Frequently Searched Questions: Mensch Ben Bartlett

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is Naked Porns (totally safe for work or sinister hanging out).

Q 1. What does a naked woman look like?

Your mother. Exactly like your mother. Who birthed you. And your grandmother, who birthed your mother, who was naked when she was born–born from your grandmother who was mostly naked at the time. A naked woman looks like your grandmother giving birth to your mother. That is what a naked woman looks like.

Q 2. Scientific discoveries benefit humanity.

SCIENCE!

Q 3. Why should men be naked?

Exactly. I’m tired of being naked. Tomorrow I’m going to go to work not naked, just to show them they can’t push me around. Society and its “rules.”

Q 4. Woods voyeur.

One who likes to see the forest through the trees.

Q 5. Christian lesson using apple pie.

There’s a sunday school teacher out there, somewhere, with an apple pie she doesn’t want to eat, eager to fit it into her lesson. Let me help:

1. Give each kid as much as they want. After they begin to feel sick, remind them that gluttony is a sin.

2. Cut the pie so that there’s almost enough for everyone, and then teach them about selfishness.

3. Separate them into two teams. Tell them that they have negotiate to determine how much of the pie each team gets. Team A must make an offer to Team B. If Team B accepts, then they both get to eat. If Team B rejects the offer, then no one gets pie. I’m not sure what this would teach them, but please report back to me on your findings.

Q 6. Sinister hanging out picture.

K, I searched Flickr and this is what I found. Hope this helps:

Q 7. When did Tom Delonge become a Freemason?

Tuesday. Before that he charged a fortune. Also, when did you become a cyborg?

Q 8. Mensch Ben Bartlett

I know, right? Benjamin Bartlett is a total mensch.

Q 9. Was Oliver Cromwell ugly?

 No one knows.

Q 10. Can I still be a good Christian and love pop culture?

Yes. I might be a bit biased, but Imma say, “yes.”

Q 11 (BONUS). Any porns?

 That is probably the single worst thing anyone could ever type into Google. Be thankful you found your way here. Let this be a lesson to you.