Frequently Searched Questions: In Which Everything Is Terrible Online

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is What?

Q 1. Why do Mos Def dont sell Yahoo! Answers?

Wait, Mos Def owns Yahoo! Answers? Does he still own stock in Pets.com and Geocities, too? I assume he doesn’t sell because it’s a horrible investment, cause Yahoo! Answers is the saddest place on the Internet. Not only is it unhelpful, it’s downright depressing.

For example, I searched for “What stock does Mos Def own” in Yahoo! Answers and among the top results was this question posed by a high school dropout who struggles with depression and bad teeth who asked the Yahoo! Answers Community if he should leave his girl friend and join the military. And that about sums up the malaise of modern technological isolationism.

Now I’m depressed and I still don’t know if Mos Def actually owns Yahoo! Answers.

Q 2. Super kiddy innocent?

Yes. Yes, he is.

His superpower is the illusion of innocence. Image credit: cuatrok77 via flickr (CC BY 2.0).

Q 3. Make civilization better!

Ordering a search engine to improve the world: the epitome of online activism.

While you’re at it, Google, get me a degree, a wife, a job, a hobby, and a sense of existential justification!

Q 4. What Christian values can be learnd from Beauty and the Beast?

It’s been a long time since I last watched Beauty and the Beast, so, this is all I got:

1. Disney is terrible.

2. Eating eggs makes you strong.

3. It’s possible to read a book and walk at the same time.

4. It’s always worth a shot dating a hideous jerk, cause he might turn out to be a cool hottie.

5. Beauty and the Beast is actually an extended dream sequence from Murder She Wrote wherein Jessica Flecther’s repressed fear of domestic servants is manifested in the form of a possessed tea pot.

Q 5. What should a Christian say instead of good luck John Mac Arthur?

Beneficent Preordainedity, John MacArthur.

Q 6. Acronym for BA?

Um, I guess, just “B”?

B.A. from The A-Team. Yo dawg! I put an acronym in yo acronym so you can abbreviate while you abbreviate! Image: Ell Brown via Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Q 7. What does a Christian girls look like naked?

A. Either “does a Christian girl” or “do Christian girls.”

B. Like heathen girls except righteous.

C. Sumthin’ like this:

“Adam, stop touching my hair. Seriously. Okay, you know what? Try this fruit.” Image credit: Candacow via flickr (CC BY 2.0).

8. What words are used to much?

Good question. I’m not sure. However, I do know that “too” is not used often enough.

9. Who drew Sonic the Hedgehog?

Everyone on DeviantArt. No, really.

Here’s a fun game to prove my point: go to DeviantArt and search for your name plus “Sonic the Hedgehog.” Guess what? Someone made a Sonic the Hedgehog character for you. Here’s mine. Apparently Sonic the Hedgehog Alan likes Sum 41. Cool.

10. Why are people so mean on Facebook?

Wrong question. The correct question is: Why does everyone pretend to be nice outside of Facebook?

Frequently Searched Questions: In which Everything is Terrible Online