Walking with Grandfather

Even though I am only 57 years young, my latest book is an autobiography of sorts. I have enjoyed studying theology, church history and biblical studies for almost 40 years.

Most of that time was spent without feelings. I knew what feeling were, but couldn’t identify them. I could talk the talk but had no idea how to crawl let alone walk the walk.

I hated feelings. I especially hated feelings when it came to my faith. For me, faith was a purely rational affair. Feelings were like alien DNA, if they burst out of me, I knew I would die.

My crash and burn experience in the ministry in 1994 was the start of my feeling feelings. Of course at that time they were feelings of anger, despair, bitterness, rage, fury, impotence, hatred, frustration, anxiety, fear and utter loneliness.  I would never again want to repeat that time of my life. I do however, revisit it rather frequently for there are so many lessons to be learned. Those who do not learn the lessons of their personal history are doomed to repeat their mistakes. Been there, done that, got the whole damn wardrobe. Ain’t. Going. Back. Again.

There have been any number of factors that have helped to learn all about feelings. I now know what joy feels like and I love it! I know what love feels like, peace, calm, hope and so many other indescribable and delicious emotions. I cry at movies now. I laugh when sunshine comes through the window. And yes, I feel sad when I am sad. I have learned to own and name my feelings.

Admitting I abused alcohol was a first step for me. I first had to stop masking my feelings.

Letting my wife love me, truly love me, truly trust her when she said “I believe in you Michael Hardin” is a daily step. Allowing her constant forgiveness, love, and compassion into my being is so energizing it is amazing to me. She is my angel. Sharing time with my daughters whom I neglected as they were growing up brings me great delight, and I could not begin to tell you what a joy it is to be a grandfather to my two granddaughters.

But the big WHAMMY happened in the autumn of 2004 when I crossed over to ‘the other side.’ I didn’t “leave my skin and bones behind” but I did cross a boundary, a barrier. I stumbled into divine love. It wasn’t intentional at all. Looking back I would say that Love found me and made sure I wrapped, enveloped and caressed in her presence. That broke this macho boy wide open.

Now there are times when observing a dragonfly or a hummingbird brings tears to my eyes.

I have Grandfather to thank for this.  I never met the man but I know him well enough having walked his path for over a decade now.

Grandfather, also known as Stalking Wolf, was an Apache Scout-Shaman who lived from Ulysses S. Grant to the time of Richard Nixon. He was trained in an elite medicine society. He wandered the Americas from Alaska to Argentina and Brazil for close to sixty years collecting all manner of skills. Grandfather then took these skills and focused them like a laser beam into a method whereby they could be taught to one and all. It is not the content of the skills but the exercises one does (and fails at quite often) that are the real teaching tool.

My autobiography is framed within my twelve years of learning and Walking with Grandfather. I learned how to take theology out of my head and see it lived in the creation, in the wind, the rain and the snow, among the raccoons, the deer and the bears, the blueberry bush, the wild mustard and the jewelweed, the dawn and the dusk, the swamp and the forest, the stars, moon and sun. I discovered that theology is about all of life.

I am alive today. The Great Mystery is all around me. I see Jesus before me beckoning me to follow him. The physical world is glowing with Spirit. By the grace of God, Abba, Jesus, Spirit, I am alive today. And, man, do I enjoy it!