Dear Mr. and Mrs. Homo Sapiens,
Here is the end of term report card for your son, Homo Sapiens Sapiens.
(A) Our School’s Purpose and Reputation
We pride ourselves on caring for the full, integrated welfare of our students – their physical, emotional, intellectual, mental, social and spiritual needs. Our staff is composed of world-recognized leaders e.g., In Civics, Mr. Confucius; in Psychology, Mr. Gautama Siddhartha; in Spirituality, Mr. Yehoshua Christos.
Our students consistently score in the 99th percentile in world-wide tests. And we maintain an ongoing interest in their welfare after they have graduated.
(B) Your Son’s Previous Schooling and Our Approach
I don’t have to remind you that your son was expelled from his previous school – The Garden of Eden High School. We agreed to accept him, only on condition that he achieve and maintain high grades, cooperate with the staff, align himself with the school’s mission statement, and form healthy relationships with his fellow students. To that end, we set up for him an I.E.D. (Individualized Educational Program) and assigned him to the care of the top three teachers previously mentioned.
(C) His Behavior and Its Consequences
His behavior has been so disruptive that several of his fellow students have been withdrawn from the school by their concerned parents. This, as you can appreciate, is devastating to those students and an unwarranted assault on our school’s previously impeccable reputation. He has refused to adopt the I.E.D. and seems immune to the inspiration, counsel or directives of his assigned team of teachers.
After a careful and in-depth analysis, we are of the opinion that your son is a psychopath. He evidences many of the clinical symptoms: frequent lying, artful manipulation of situations and people, failure to exercise compassion, perpetrating and seemingly enjoying the discomfort and pain he causes others, and displaying no evidence of either guilt or contrition.
(D) A Sample of His End of Term Results
I will just focus on three areas so as to give you a flavor for his performance and issues to date.
(a) Science – He achieved an A plus here. He is obviously highly intelligent – as one might infer from his name – and excels in the sciences. However, he frequently leaves the laboratory in a dreadfully messy state, and has, on occasion, conducted very dangerous experiments, without either permission or forethought. Some of these have resulted in costly damage to school equipment, and have endangered the lives of fellow students.
(b) History – We awarded him a D minus here. In our high school, as you may recall, we prefer to call it Karma. Your son does not seem to take this topic seriously, and he consistently repeats behavior which, in the past, has resulted in poor grades for him and difficulties for fellow students. He does not take feedback, however constructively or lovingly given.
(c) Foreign Languages – We awarded him an F here. In order to appreciate their place in the Natural Order, we insist that our students become fluent in two foreign languages, Florish (the language of plants, trees, grasses etc.) and Faunish (the language of animals). Three members of our staff – Ms. Pacha Mama, Ms. Vandana Shiva and Mr. Francis of Assisi – are recognized as world leaders here. But they have failed to interest Homo Sapiens Sapiens in either language.
Conclusion – It is very doubtful that your son will graduate. In fact, it is increasingly likely that he will be expelled lest he become the cause of more parents withdrawing their children from our school.
God the Mother
Gaia High School