Sexual Coercion, Sacramental Marriage and the “Alarm Clock” Method

This article is about sexual coercion. Please read with discretion if you think it might be a trigger. Self-care is always top priority!

When sexual abuse happens in a marriage, it can be difficult to detect, and even more difficult to come to terms with. If your spouse forces you to engage in any unwanted sexual activity whatsoever, you’re a victim of sexual abuse.

However, some methods of sexual coercion can be so subtle that women don’t recognize them. They lovingly want to please their husband, and may be convinced of his lies. They’ve been told that they’re too naïve, too cold, too rigid, or too … whatever … and they blame themselves.

If an individual is held down forcefully, threatened with violence if she doesn’t comply, or drugged into submission, marital rape is obvious.

But what about the less obvious instances of sexual coercion within marriage? What about those individuals who haven’t been overtly forced, but covertly manipulated? Are they, too, victims of sexual abuse, or are they being too sensitive? After all, they are married …

If these are questions you’ve asked yourself, I understand. I also want to urge you to follow your intuition, that “small, still Voice” within the depths of yourself (1 Kings 19:12). This Voice is a gift, the urgings of the Holy Spirit speaking directly to you.

If you feel that something isn’t quite right within your marriage, then most likely it isn’t.

One thing to realize and always keep in mind is that sexual assault isn’t always overt. Many women don’t realize their husband is sexually abusing them because they think, “well, I always say yes, eventually.” Yet this “eventually” is quite often the result of repeated demands, guilt trips, their husband playing the victim (“you must not love me/you hate me,” “you don’t find me attractive” or “I knew I wasn’t good enough for you”).

This coerced “yes” is often given only after their spouse has refused to take no for an answer.

Finally giving in to intimacy with your husband because you feel guilty or want him to stop verbally pressuring you isn’t true consent. It’s also not an act of mutual self-giving, love, or authentic, sacramental intimacy.

With this type of coercion, your partner may:

• Badger and exhaust you by asking for sex until you finally give in. Seriously, you just want to sleep. Besides, the kids have school in the morning, and you have to work!
• Guilt-trip you by claiming that you don’t love him, don’t find him attractive, or any other claims of victimization.
• Claim that it’s your rightful obligation as his wife to satisfy his all of his sexual needs, whenever and however he demands it.
• Compare you to partners in his past. For example, he might say that you’re “just like” his frigid ex, who also didn’t give him enough sex, or he could claim that other past partners did things for him that you refuse to do. This leads you to wonder if there really is something wrong with you.
• Tell you that it’s been “too long” since he’s had sex, with the claim that he has normal male needs and you have to satisfy them.
• (Feel free to add your own coercive experience to this list–and remember, sexual coercion can be very subtle, covert, and tricky. One clear sign that you may be experiencing sexual coercion is if you feel guilty when you attempt to say no to his sexual demands.)

There are many and varied ways a husband can sexually coerce his wife into submission, and I don’t have time to mention them all (unfortunately). Instead, in this post, I’m going to cover one of the most common tactics. It’s also one of the most covert and, therefore, misunderstood. This type of manipulation is what I’ve coined

The “Alarm-Clock” Method of Sexual Coercion

Here’s the scenario:

Your husband demands intimacy–whether overtly or covertly–at regular times, according to his desires and wishes and without any concern for your needs. And there’s a pattern to his enforced requirements.

For example, every three or four days the timer goes off and he expects sex. If the specified time period goes by and his sexual expectations aren’t met according to his standards, he becomes angry, cold and silent, or verbally persistent and demeaning. He may also use some other tactic, all with the goal of making you feel inadequate or guilty of neglect.

Quite often in this type of abusive situation, the coercive partner expects his spouse to read his mind. He may not even initiate sex, but he expects her to do so. This is because he expects her to know what he wants, without having to say a word or make any sort of romantic gestures to indicate his desire for intimacy.

If you tell him you don’t feel like being intimate, for any reason whatsoever, you’ll again be blamed. If you have a headache, backache, stomach issues, exhaustion from an intense day with the kids–none of that will matter to him. And you take these words to heart because, after all, you love and respect your husband. He’s supposed to be your best friend! As a result, you begin to feel empathy toward him. After all, you don’t want him to feel unwanted. This may lead you to give in to your his sexual coercion, just so he doesn’t feel bad.

This doesn’t make you to a co-partner in his sexual game; it makes you a forced victim, even though you weren’t physically forced.

“The unity of marriage, distinctly recognized by our Lord, is made clear in the equal personal dignity which must be accorded to man and wife in mutual and unreserved affection” (CCC 1645, quoting Gaudium et Spes, 49).

I’m sure you can see how utterly confusing and disheartening — and devaluing to a healthy sense of self — this situation truly is.

With covert abuse, you don’t even realize you’re being sexually assaulted. And that, perhaps, is most tragic of all.

If you have to count the days until the next expected sexual rendezvous with your husband, well aware that he’ll “demand it” after a certain amount of time has passed, then what you’re experiencing isn’t true intimacy.

It’s also not mutual self-giving, which is one of the requirements of a sacramental marriage.

Such demeaning treatment doesn’t make a partner feel loved, respected, cherished, wanted or part of a true and meaningful marriage.

It makes her feel like an object to be used, which is exactly what is going on in such sexually coercive situations.

As Pope Paul VI wrote:

“A conjugal act imposed on one’s spouse without regard to his or her condition, or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife.”

Truth, sisters. This is the truth.