I’m considering some potential resolutions for New Year 2016

I’ve just read an item posted a few days ago by a person who posts as “Everybody Wang Chung.”

“DCP,” of course, refers to y’r obed’t servant.  And “ESP” refers to “extrasensory perception.”  “Dowsing” is the practice of seeking water, or sometimes buried treasure, by means of wooden or metal rods.  (You may be familiar with the term “water-witching.”)  Apparently, I’m a vocal proponent of both ESP and dowsing.  (Everybody Wang Chung has even invented a quotation for me in which I explicitly say that I am, so there can be little doubt about it.)  “TBM” has been explained to me as meaning either “True Blue Mormon” or “True Believing Mormon.”

Other than those terms, I think WC’s little piece is pretty much self-explanatory:

I have a hard time believing that DCP is a TBM. Not because he believes in ESP and dowsing, but because of his long and well-documented racism, misogyny, anger, homophobia and the way he treats other people. If he is indeed a TBM, he’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen.

He’s a toxic individual who has harmed countless lives and destroyed numerous relationships/friendships. Indeed, it’s well known that NNNNN’s involvement with DCP and mopologetics was a reason for NNNNN’s recent divorce.

In the end, I think it’s all about the money and “recognition” for DCP. I think he could care less about the Church, and I think that’s reflected in his words and deeds.

Now, WC speaks with authority.  First of all, he’s claimed to be an unbelieving bishop, which gives him instant ecclesiastical credibility.  And I don’t doubt it, because he tends to post heavily on Sundays, which are typically a Mormon bishop’s day off, his lightest and most carefree time for surfing the web and posting on message boards.  And he’s boasted of substantial personal encounters with me that are demonstrably fictional, so he knows me well.  Moreover, his personal empathy is beyond reasonable question:  In one lengthy fantasy that he posted several months ago, for example, he lovingly depicted details of the physical tortures to which he hopes I’ll be subjected in Hell.  Thus, I have to take his frank assessment of my depraved character very, very seriously.

So, with that as prologue, here are some resolutions that I’m considering for the New Year:

*  Tone down my crusading for paranormal claims.

*  Cut back on water-witching to, at most, two or three times weekly.

*  Consider regarding non-Anglo/Scandinavian white people as at least partially human.

*  Reduce mistreatment of women, and contempt for them, to a less noticeable level.

*  Limit explosions of violent rage to, at most, one per day.

*  Mute calls for imprisonment of homosexuals.

*  Compensate for personal toxicity by replanting lawns in front of the vacant, abandoned houses that now surround mine.

*  Seriously damage no more than two lives per week.

*  Try to have a human relationship.

*  Acquire a friend.  If need be, employ small bribes to do so.

*  Permit at least a few others to have relationships or friendships.

*  Oblige no more than three or four otherwise loving and happy couples to divorce.

*  Attempt to make my brazen lust for big mopologetic bucks a bit less obvious.  One thought:  Ostentatiously donate five or ten dollars to a suitable charity (e.g., the National Rifle Association, the Daughters of the American Revolution, or the Koch brothers).

*  Pretend to be more sincere about religious faith.  Maybe post some selfies of me at prayer or looking piously miserable while fasting.  Or, of course, handing a five-dollar bill to one of the Koch brothers.

I’m so very grateful to Everybody Wang Chung for his willingness to examine my character, and to report on it with such notable charity and kindness.  Robbie Burns was surely right:

“O, wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.”