Daylight AtheismOriginally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Objectivist Mating Rituals.
Francisco: Anyway, like I was saying…
Cobra Commander: What in the!? WE THREW YOU IN A SNAKE PIT! A ROBOT SNAKE PIT!
Francisco: Oh that’s… that’s something I can easily handle.
Cobra Commander: HOW!?
Francisco: Well you did it off screen you know? I’ve vast implied off screen abilities.
Cobra Commander: DESTRO GET IN HERE!
Francisco: But to continue, I might have eventually gotten around to explaining things to Dagny if only Hank hadn’t shown up and slapped me.
Destro: Yes Comman… wait what is he still doing here?
Cobra Commander: Destro! I order you to move the robot snake pit on screen immediately!
Francisco: Which is really a shame you know, as I’d mentioned him before I believe but that’s the other guy that I really wish I could’ve explained things to. On account of us being such amazingly great friends and all. Which is of course why we almost murdered each other at the drop of a hat. Such a shame. But also wholly understandable.
Destro: I don’t know if I can… we generally don’t do that kind of thing on screen.
Cobra Commander: WELL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!
Francisco: Hi sorry but if you don’t start listening to me I may have to violently murder you. Hero you know, so… not getting my way means I have to violently murder people.
Cobra Commander: Wait what… I… I was like half listening there did you just threaten to kill me?
Francisco: Oh normally I wouldn’t say it out loud, you know. Normally I’d do like most heroes and just… like seethe at you and clench my fists to denote murderous intent and have some woman look on and swoon over my virile manliness. But it kind of seemed like you were distracted so I thought that maybe I should just say it straight out.
Cobra Commander: Okay first of all, the idea that you would even be able to kill me is, frankly, laughable…
Francisco: Nonsense! I’m… probably in great shape? I’m sure I’ve been physically described before but that was a long time ago and in general heroes are all virile powerful men of action so… you know, I’m… fit I guess. Oh if I wanted to kill you I’m sure any onlookers would readily realize the only thing saving you is my heroic restraint.
Cobra Commander: Okay of the two of us, with one being the head of a ruthless terrorist organization…
Francisco: Well I’m not the head of one… I mean, that’d be you know who wink wink… but I’m a pretty high ranking member… I guess? Not… not totally clear on that. I’m certainly an important member yes. Probably. I may just only be important because I know the two heroes who are more important than me but… I mean that makes me kind of important right?
Cobra Commander: Destro better hurry up quick, I don’t think I can take much more of your insane insecurity.
Francisco: I’m not insecure! Why would you say that!? Just because I had the woman I love taken away from me, destroyed the only other thing I ever loved, which is my business of course… and had to ‘pretend’ to be a wild jet setting partyboy even though obviously I totally hated that. Ha ha! Can you even imagine liking that? Certainly I didn’t! I also am totally fine with the fact that despite being describes as perfectly great at everything that I do there are at least two more people in the world who fit the same description and are more important than me…
Cobra Commander: IS THERE A POINT TO THIS!?
Francisco: OH! Right. I was just saying it’s a real shame that I lost the woman I loved. I tried to have a showdown with her new owner but it didn’t work out for me, despite my being competent at everything ever. If only it had happened off screen…
Cobra Commander: Wait what owner?
Francisco: Right, my other good friend who currently owns her, on account of his violent possessiveness, which stems from his general competence.
Cobra Commander: Look I own people. It’s a villain thing right and shut up before you argue otherwise that’s not the point I’m making here. I have like, gladiatorial slave pits and mines. I put shock collars on people and make them fight for my amusement or harvest rubies that somehow serve as a fuel source for weather dominators. But even I know that’s not ‘love.’
Francisco: No see the first one is though. Common mistake, you’re confusing ’employees’ with ‘lovers’. Employees are people you own to increase your wealth, lovers are people you own for your own amusement. See if you were just a hero you’d have understood this but sadly heroes are only born heroes, can’t be made.
Cobra Commander: Why won’t you please just shut up? I don’t even understand what you want from me.
Francisco: Well at the moment I don’t really have any plans or motivations… and my activities in general are at best sketchily defined so…
Cobra Commander: What you’re just bored?
Francisco: Well it’s tiring only getting to be vague and coy all the time, and everything I ever did that was fun was just… off screen…
Destro: Cobra Commander! I think I have a plan to deal with this fool… we’re going to need two man sized pinballs, some giant mutated rats… which I believe we have some spare ones lying around somewhere at the moment… exactly five grapefruits…
Cobra Commander: Silence Destro! I have a much more… efficient plan.
Francisco: Hi, hey… can we pay attention to me for a second here? I feel like I’ve had more chances to talk with you than anyone else I’ve known through this whole wacky plan my friend who is better than me even though I’m the best at everything cooked up. I’m actually having a good time for once.
Cobra Commander: Right… Frank or whatever your name is… I do feel sorry for you. But I also completely loathe you.
Francisco: That’s understandable.
Cobra Commander: And we’ve both threatened to murder each other so… square on that point right?
Francisco: Agreed.
Cobra Commander: So let’s make a deal. You get to go talk to Destro. Not in my throne room.
Destro: COMMANDER!?
Francisco: Oh! But you’re the boss around here right? I should only talk to the boss.
Cobra Commander: Actually Destro is an independent contractor who runs a very successful international arms company! I just buy my weapons from him.
Francisco: A capitalist hero after my own heart! Oh we have so much to talk about exploiting other people for our own gain! Maybe you’ll be my new best friend!
Destro: I swear I will have revenge on you for this Commander! *voice trails away as he is dragged off by the rambling Francisco*
Cobra Commander: Still worth it.
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