The Cobra Commander Dialogues: II.VII.1

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: The Highwayman.

Cobra Commander: “Finally a pirate, my kind of villain!”
Ragnar: “Oh no, sorry, I’m actually a hero.”
Cobra Commander: “Oh I don’t think so, you’re a pirate with a silly name, obviously you’re a villain. Ragnar Danneskjold is really obviously a villain’s name but I mean even past that you’re a pirate, man!”
Ragnar: “Oh no, I’m a noble pirate! I give away all my ill-gotten gains and only strike the high seas to turn the villains’ own weapons against them!”
Cobra Commander: “So you’ve got kind of a… Robin Hood thing going on?”
Ragnar: “No, explicitly not as I openly compare myself to Robin Hood and call myself a reverse Robin Hood, as I steal from the poor and give to the rich.”
Cobra Commander: “Reverse Robin Hood… but… I mean c’mon, Robin Hood is a hero, if you reverse Robin Hood you get a villain. I mean that even sounds like some kind of lame gimmick villain! Seriously I am pretty sure at some point I have employed a guy who was Reverse Robin Hood.”
Ragnar: “Nah, me and all my buddies all agree that Robin Hood is really a villain, even if the rest of the world disagrees with us.”
Cobra Commander: “And you never thought maybe that you guys were the villains when you disagree with the ENTIRE WORLD?”
Ragnar: “Nope! Definitely heroes. Besides I have never robbed a private ship or a military ship, just those evil government ships transporting aid to the underprivileged. Also maybe I did sink some private ships but from this point on in the story we’re pretending it’s never happened.”
Cobra Commander: “Okay putting aside the… look I’m going to be generous and put aside the bit about relief ships being evil here and that’s a pretty big put aside… how is it possible that you haven’t engaged military ships? Wouldn’t the military put escorts on the ships you’re attacking?”
Ragnar: “Apparently not! Or I’m too good for them or something, look I do all my work off in the shadows so you don’t have to worry about logistics.”
Cobra Commander: “Well that brings up another good point. I mean, don’t you have an operational overhead as a pirate?”
Ragnar: “What do you mean?”
Cobra Commander: “I mean, you have a crew and a naval vessel capable of engaging in piracy, attacking and seizing ships. Which means you need to at least provide subsistence wage for your crew or they starve to death. And trust me, I’ve bought a lot of ships from Destro, it’s not like those things come cheap and are operated cheaply. Fuel costs and weapon systems are expensive!”
Ragnar: “Well fuel-wise, maybe I have a magic engine? I mean we have a magic engine that vaguely provides super cheap unlimited power or something so I might have those. Weapons um… Magic engine maybe? And I pay for everything else in gold bars.”
Cobra Commander: “But as an international pirate/smuggler wouldn’t it make more sense to deal in local trade goods and commodities than gold, as they will appreciate in value when shipped between countries while gold will always have a fixed value no matter where you carry it in the world?”
Ragnar: “Hey, who’s the capitalist super hero here, you or me?”
Cobra Commander: “I’m pretty sure neither of us is!”