The Cobra Commander Dialogues: III.III.1

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Guns and Butter.

Robert Stadler: You seem a little out of place here good sir.
Destro: I had heard there was going to be a demonstration of experimental weapons technology and wished to see its… capabilities.
Robert Stadler: A weapon! That’s impossible!
Floyd Ferris: I’m afraid it is true. See for yourself.
*Poor Innocent Goats are Needlessly Murdered*
Destro: Hm, very impressive.
Robert Stadler: No! My energy research was only intended to have peaceful applications!
Destro: Pardon me, and I don’t wish to be ‘that guy’, but your lament is the same that was uttered by Nobel, Einstein, likely the caveman who invented fire. Also you know, I’m an international arms dealer so my general reserve of sympathy for people is very low.
Floyd Ferris: Yes you’ll not find much sympathy from me considering you are well aware I am evil and have been agreeing to work with me.
Robert Stadler: I should have known that something was wrong when I saw that everyone here was very ugly and unsure of themselves, as opposed to myself, who was very sure of himself despite the fact that I literally had no idea what I was doing here and what was going to happen, and was completely surprised by the events that occurred.
Floyd Ferris: Yes well we can sit here listening to you moan all day or we can get on to you continually compromising your ethics for poorly established reasons.
Robert Stadler: But this machine is evil! It was designed without the slightest bit of corporate influence!
Destro: Pardon, don’t you mean that it’s evil because it just blew up a bunch of rather quite unarmed goats?
Robert Stadler: Oh heavens no. It’s evil because there’s no profit to be made in weapons and destruction.
Destro: Could I draw your attention to the fact that, once again, I introduced myself as an international arms dealer? My family has been designing and selling arms for centuries. It’s a very profitable industry.
Robert Stadler: Only because governments pay for weapons!
Destro: That is only because any group large enough to conquer territory soon establishes itself as a government. For as long as there have been humans there has been war. For as long as there has been war there have been weapons. And someone will always need to make those weapons.
Robert Stadler: But look at that destruction, there can be no profit in it!
Destro: Oh perhaps none for the man who owned that farm before. But if you displace him from his land and take it, you can surely make a profit off this new land you have claimed. I am sure I could think of quite a few ways to make a fortune off of this weapon.
Robert Stadler: Well I’m going to be all pissy about it still. The only purpose of this weapon is to control the masses who I hold in the upmost contempt so I’m not even totally sure why I’m all that upset about you controlling them.
Floyd Ferris: That’s fine, I really don’t care. Just so long as you read the speech I wrote and don’t actually cause any trouble.
Robert Stadler: No I won’t. I’ve already made exactly one bad decision in my life and that has completely doomed me for the rest of it so there’s no point in even pretending like I have a chance of saving myself now. I mean, I got into this business explicitly for the betterment of mankind and my own belief in the inherent goodness and virtue of science, which is why I’ll choke down my ideals now. But it’s not like I’m going to be some cackling mad villain later, that would seem almost ridiculous!
Floyd Ferris: Yes yes, whatever. There’s a good sport. Now… you with the metal face… you mentioned something about… profit?
Destro: Oh yes, I think we may have much to talk about. Also I really like the name ‘Project X.’
Floyd Ferris: Why thank you! It stands for ‘Xylophone.’ You know, because of the sound based… thing.
Destro: Oh my, ambiguously evil and thematically accurate! That’s always so difficult to capture when you’re designing a doomsday weapon. My highest praise to you good sir!
Floyd Ferris: You’re really too kind.