The Cobra Commander Dialogues: III.V.1

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Too Much of a Good Thing.

Dagny Taggart: I demand to speak to my good for nothing brother!
Cobra Commander: First of all, who told you he was here in my dungeons? Secondly, how did you find this place? And thirdly… well, I just want to say that I continue to loathe you.
Dagny Taggart: I deduced the location by looking at railroad maps, plotting out intricate courses of which were still operating on supplying goods, and then remembering that you had a snake train and asking if anyone had seen it.
Cobra Commander: W… ugh… fair enough. Well I’m sure a prolonged visit to the dungeons can certainly be arranged.
Dagny Taggart: How are you even operating this lair of yours with the country falling apart around you?
Cobra Commander: Oh chaos is unsurprisingly quite the boon for ruthless terrorist organizations. Lots of disaffected people looking for work, plenty of unscrupulous people ready to write out contracts for an enterprising freelancer… why I actually am just about to wrap up a rather lucrative one in a few hours.
Dagny Taggart: You’re just another filthy looter picking at the bones of our fallen society!
Cobra Commander: I’m a businessman! Pure and simple, I see a need and I fill it.
Dagny Taggart: That isn’t how businesses are supposed to work, we truly rugged capitalist heroes create growth and wealth by moving trains around! Like some sort of incredibly belabored blood metaphor that would take a lot of needless explanation to really explain!
Cobra Commander: Well considering your brother is a fellow train magnate I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about with him in the dungeons. Come along then.
*A short visit to the dungeons later*
James Taggart: Give me back my train company! My precious! I wants it!
Dagny Taggart: How dare you lock me up in here next to this looter!
Cherryl Taggart: And why do you leave me down here! I just want to kill myself!
Cobra Commander: Now now… I’m sure we can all come to a beneficial solution here. I’ll give you all none of what you want, and then I’ll be so much happier that it will make up entirely for any loss of happiness you have. Now if you’ll all excuse me I would hate to miss the news.
*Cobra Commander flicks on the television just in time for coverage of the earth shattering kaboom*
James Taggart: NO! My preciouses!
Dagny Taggart: He did it didn’t he… he blew it all up… he nobly and heroically caused untold property damage and likely many immediate direct deaths due to countless acts of violent sabotage and terrorism not to mention untold continued devastation purely to make the point that without his presence everything would be chaos and madness even though it actually took his presence to spark chaos and madness and if he really believed in his principles he could have just handed the company over and watch it be squandered…
Cobra Commander: Oh no I did that.
Dagny Taggart: WHAT!?
Cobra Commander: Mines, buildings, docks, and dozens of other locations located around the world all explode at simultaneously the same time and you think one man did all that? I mean come on, there’s stretching credulity and there’s actually literally simply physically impossible. I mean having super geniuses invent magic motors and highly efficient super robot technology is the flight of kids fantasy comics, but having one man rig and stage explosive demolition charges in secret at countless locations without ever himself being captured or any of his bombs being discovered… I thought you at least pretended to be the smart one Ms. Taggart.
Dagny Taggart: But… why?
Cobra Commander: Oh Mr. d’Anconia needed someone operating outside of his little hippie commune to do the work, I had the manpower, and Destro was more than happy to reach out to me for a cut of the profits. Loyalty is ever turned on a dollar after all.
Dagny Taggart: But Francisco would never pay money for such a thing!
Cobra Commander: Oh he didn’t have to. He simply assumed that Destro would destroy his fortunes for him for the noble sympathy to his cause. I had plenty of time to loot everything of value from his various holdings before blowing them up.
Dagny Taggart: You fiend! Destroying valuable things to keep them from being used because of the noble principle that you created it and thus it is your right to destroy at a whim even if the destruction causes untold devastation even beyond the scope of the simple loss of the valuables itself due to collateral damage of your chosen methods is the heroic goal that Francisco sought! You… doing ‘work’ for ‘money’… what a horrid looter you truly are.
Cobra Commander: Not… quite the insults I’m used to. But again, ruthless terrorist here. But I’m not without mercy. Why Mr. Taggart I’ve even gotten you a little present.
*Cobra Commander tosses a toy train into his cell*
James Taggart: YES! My precious! James is train magnate again! Do you see wife!? Do you see how happy I am! Be miserable! Yes!
Cherryl Taggart: I hate you from the depths of my capitalist loving but not quite fully capitalist capable and thus deserving of dying horribly heart!
Cobra Commander: Yes yes, now if you’ll all excuse me I have to return to my planning. Unlike you lot who love to sit around being miserable to one another for fun, I have actual work to do. I only get to be miserable to other people for my own amusement on my breaks.