The Cobra Commander Dialogues: III.V.5

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Randian Fidelity.

Cobra Commander: Well I think I’ve heard enough here, time to round up everyone and… I don’t know I’m thinking I might just throw you all in gladiatorial pits.
Dagny Taggart: But I’ve just received a call that due to some faulty wiring all the train systems are down! I have to go and fix it! And by fix it of course I mean replace an automated system with manual labor, which despite being the only thing left capable of saving my company owing to an apparent lack of any electrical engineering capabilities I will still speak of with rather open and hostile disdain!
Cobra Commander: Oh I’m terribly sorry, was I not completely clear on the fact that you’re still a prisoner? If so I’m actually quite thrilled at the chance to crush your spirits again. Cobra Trooper! Get in here now and round everyone up!
Cobra Trooper: Not so fast!
Cobra Commander: What do you… how dare you pull a gun on your leader!?
Cobra Trooper: Because I am not some faceless lackey… I am in fact…
*Cobra Trooper pulls off his helmet and mask*
Dagny Taggart: Gasp! John Galt!
Cobra Commander: Damnit! Seriously I need to get on redesigning these uniforms I think that’s about the 8th time some jackass infiltrated our group.
John Galt: Actually, I’ve been working for Cobra for quite some time now. I used to work for Taggart’s railroad so I could keep tabs on Dagny, because I was in love with her, but ever since you’ve come onto the scene I joined up with your men.
Cobra Commander: Wait, wait… hold up…
Dagny Taggart: How romantic!
Cobra Commander: No, wait. Seriously. You’ve been stalking her for… what… years?
John Galt: Not stalking. Just hiding under her employ in a job position that wouldn’t even interact with her on any basis whatsoever, which raises very legitimate questions of how exactly I was able to keep tabs on her. Especially since I had to frequently vacate my demanding manual labor work to establish my valley, create multiple fantastical futuristic inventions, and travel all around the world to convince geniuses from every industry and walk of life to join with me. Though of course during that time despite the fact that I knew I’d want Dagny joining with our group I never actually approached her on the subject in the slightest way, only waiting until she almost killed herself stumbling on my operation.
Cobra Commander: How is it that literally every new fact I learn about you makes you not only more improbable and absurd, but also more loathsome as well? Seriously this is just getting ridiculous now.
Dagny Taggart: Oh John! I want to have aggressive sex with you right now!
Cobra Commander: Oh no no no! We’re not having any of that here. You can save all that for after you rescue your little girlfriend.
John Galt: Oh I’m not actually going to rescue Dagny. I’m only completely madly in obsessively creepy love with her, but that doesn’t mean even though I’m in a position to use my natural talents or position to her benefit would I actually do anything for her. I just… you know wanted to show up and then have sex with her.
Dagny Taggart: Yes that all sounds reasonable to me. I really wouldn’t want you to help me in the slightest John, I was just hoping that at this moment when I was at my most vulnerable and helpless you’d have borderline abusive sex with me and then just abandon me.
Wesley Mouch: You know I’m… I’m still over here guys.
Cobra Commander: Yes as am I, and unlike Mouch here I actually matter. Look I’m just… if you’re not going to escape, I’m just going to wait outside and after you do… whatever it is you’re planning on doing will you just round everyone up to take to the gladiatorial pits?
John Galt: Oh of course. Though I completely despise you and everything you stand for now, as long as my supporting you is only me supporting you as a faceless lackey and not actually using my vast intellect I for some reason have no problem with the arrangement. Mostly because I get to keep tabs on Dagny in your jail cells.
Cobra Commander: Please shut up, I’d rather not know what twisted stuff you’re into, I’ll be waiting outside.
Wesley Mouch: Wait you’re not going to leave me in here with them are you!?
Cobra Commander: You know… on a certain level I do kind of pity you Mouch. I mean you’re trying so hard to be a good villain, and just because you’re falling short doesn’t mean you’re not really giving it your all.
Wesley Mouch: So… you’ll let me wait outside with you at least?
Cobra Commander: Not a chance.