Parent Like You Mean It 4: Creative Discipline or Christmas Abuse?

Parent Like You Mean It 4: Creative Discipline or Christmas Abuse? [ 8:24 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Hi, I’m Jefferson Drexler – a dad of four boys who daily tries his darndest to avoid saying things like “don’t make me turn this car around” or “one more peep and we’re all going home” not because I don’t want to sound like my parents, but because I simply don’t want to have to follow through on such killjoy threats – and this is a bonus episode of Parent Like You Mean It – the podcast where we talk about parenting with intentionality and purpose. Now, I had to throw this one in ahead of schedule, just because of the timliness – or seasonality of it.

Just like the “Annie” podcast I posted earlier this week, this episode stems from a column written by Yahoo Parenting’s Rachel Bertsche. It’s called “Parent’s Punishment for Kid After Christmas Earns Mixed Reactions”, and here’s what Rachel wrote:

In the lead-up to Christmas, plenty of kids are warned: misbehave, and Santa won’t be stopping by. But few parents have the kind of follow through that was highlighted on Reddit over the weekend. On December 26, Redditor bdy2013 posted a photo of a receipt for a Wiii U Console with Super Mario 3D World Bundle Pack– which includes a Wii U console and two video games – with the store’s note:  “Initial Problem Description from POS [Point of Sale]: Son Was Put on Naughty List, Had to Watch It Being Returned.”

The receipt, which was posted under the heading “Parenting done right” on Reddit, received nearly 400 comments — many of them mixed reactions. Some posters, like StarryMari, applaud the parent. “Good for those parents,” she writes. “Sometimes, you have to do stuff like this to send a message.” But others think the punishment was too harsh. Redditor Shinjuki writes: “There’s negative reinforcement and there’s humiliating your kid. This isn’t good parenting.”

Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, says that returning the console – which retails for $300 – might have been extreme. “We don’t know the whole story, of course. Did the kid act up one time and do something really bad? Or was it weeks or months on end and the parents were pulling their hair out? Still, kids need rewards to work toward, so simply taking away his video game and allowing him to earn it back instead of returning it entirely might have been a better option,” Morin tells Yahoo Parenting. “That would be a way to encourage a fresh start rather than saying ‘here you could have had this and now you don’t get it at all.’”

But what if the parents had warned their son that this could happen? “Empty threats are never helpful,” Morin says. “But all parents have said things that are too extreme – like, ‘you’re never leaving the house until you’re 18’ – that went overboard. It’s important to say, ‘I overreacted. I was mad.’ And, in this case, ‘I’m not going to take the video games away forever, but you need to earn it back – and continue to earn it every day.’”

This isn’t the first case of public shaming posted on social media. More extreme examples include a father a who posted a picture of his daughter forced to wear pink barrettes, a Sophia the First backpack, and a shirt that said “I’m 10 Years Old” when he caught her secretly dating a boy and posting on social media. Another mom, after getting frustrated that her daughter refused to brush her hair, shaved her daughter’s head and posted the photo on Facebook. Morin says, “Public shaming in general isn’t a good tactic. When you do things to shame kids it damages their self-esteem, and the worst they feel about themselves, the more likely they are to misbehave. Kids who think ‘I can’t do anything right,’ tend to live up to that expectation.”

Still, in this case, Morin says at least the humiliation wasn’t especially public. The son’s name or face wasn’t posted online, and the image seems to be posted by a cashier at the store rather than a parent.

In the Reddit comment thread, plenty of users posted their own stories of Christmas gifts returned for misbehavior, so one thing is pretty clear: Whether or not he gets to play with it, the son will likely remember this gift forever.

Alright. My turn.

First off, I totally agree with Rachel’s last sentence: Whether or not he gets to play with it, the son will likely remember this gift forever.

I absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt know for a fact that this is true. How do I know? Because just last week at my family’s Christmas dinner, my 39-year-old brother shared how he still remembers when he had to hand in his Christmas toys when he was a boy. This moment left an indelible mark on my brother, my parents, me, and now my wife and our kids.

My brother was six-years-old and got caught peeking at his Christmas presents. My mom scolded him, told him not to do it again or else he’d be punished, and sent him on his way. Sure enough, the very next day, he did it again – and got caught again – and got in trouble again (this time with a wooden spoon). To show that my parents were sincere about the seriousness of his disobedience, they told him that if he peeked again, he would have to take them back himself. Surely, he had learned his lesson, right? Well, maybe… for about 24 hours. Because the next day, he did it again – was caught again – and you guessed it… went with my mom with a box full of unwrapped toys that he, himself, had to drop into the Toys for Tots bin.

Now, my parents were very clear. It wasn’t his peeking at his toys that was the cardinal sin – it was his blatant disobedience to Mom and Dad’s direct command. And the punishment wasn’t so much about not peeking as it was about honoring our parents. AND it wasn’t something they wanted to do at all – in fact they gave him three chances to avoid this punishment – but he forced their hand and my parents never bluffed.

So, the next year – and every year for the last 32 years – my brother’s Christmas gifts come in gift bags that are stapled shut. Discipline gone too far? Sounds to me like many Reddit posters would think so. But, here we are 33 years later, retelling the story like it’s Dickens’ Christmas Carol with an even more “front burner” of a moral – don’t peek or you’ll be sorry! REAL SORRY!

My point is this: by no means do I endorse abuse: not physical, nor emotional, nor verbal. But just because the kid’s behind, feelings or self-esteem is hurt doesn’t mean they are being abused. Good lessons come out of good pain. Some lessons, especially ones that need to be taught to stong-willed children – need some especially good pain. Now, by “good”, I don’t mean severe. I mean appropriately measured that stands on the loving side of the discipline/abuse line. But here’s the key – when it comes to “creative discipline”, that line is kind of subjective. Pretty much no matter how far away from the “abuse” line you think you are, there’s going to be somebody there who is quick to say you went too far. But only you know your kid. And, trusting that you and your spouse are approaching the discipline of your kid with the intention of developing their character and values in a loving way, then you should know the most effective way to teach them the life lessons that they will remember throughout their lives.

As my friend, Pastor Matt Tague put it: “Life has consequences – both positive and negative – so, growing up and learning should, too. For example, if you show up to work late too many times, you will face a write up or worse by your employer. Likewise, patterns of poor choices may need to be corrected by appropriate consequences from you – your children’s manager.”

Now, we’re not saying “terminate their employment as son number two”. But, if returning the Wii U – a game console no child on this planet is entitled to, by the way! – teaches him the lesson he needed to be taught in order to become a young man full of integrity and honor, then teach away Reddit Mom! That’s what I call Parenting Like You Mean It!

For more engaging and encouraging podcasts and videos, visit the E-Squared Media Network at www.e2medianetwork.com.