I can’t watch movies with my wife anymore. I mean, we like to watch movies together, but we never get to the part where we actually watch the movie. Before ever even hitting “Play”, we always engage in about two hours of negotiations.
She’s kind of picky.
Now, It’s been pre-determined by providence that I am to be the “movie offerer”. And it’s her job to systematically turn down each option that I offer.
“Should we watch this one?”
“No. The actor creeps me out.”
“Okay, do you want to watch this one?”
“No. The actress dated the actor that creeps me out.”
“…No. It’s rated R.”
“…No. It’s rated G.”
“…No. It’s not rated.”
“…No. It’s too violent.”
“…No. It’s for children.”
“…No. It’s too fantasy.”
“…No. It’s too real.”
“…No. I have no idea what this movie is about.”
“…No. I’ve seen this one before.”
“…No. It’s too stereotypically American.”
“…No. It’s in Japanese.”
“…No… No… No…”
Two full hours of this!
Then, finally, she picks one. I push play. We watch it for seven minutes. She gets tired and goes to bed. She’s exhausted!
I just collapse face down on the living room floor. I cry a little and hold a pillow. And I’m hoarse for days! People wonder if I am coming down with a cold.
“No, just a Netflix injury. The remote control gave me a thumb blister. TV is bad for your health, if you’re married!”
Think about it: two hours of negotiations for seven minutes of show watching! That’s seventeen minutes of discussion per minute of programming. That equates to seventeen minutes of chatter just for the opening credits!
So, if I actually wanted to watch an entire movie, I’ll need to start deliberations by midnight the night before I want to watch it!
Then it dawned on me…
We spent more time discussing which movie we wanted to watch than whether or not we wanted to have children.
We wrapped that up in about 45 minutes.
I tried to get her to watch Captain America – six hours, four Excedrin, and a trip to my counselor. Which was difficult, because I could only whisper by that point since my voice was so hoarse.
For a little uplifting parenting advice, Stacy Pederson calls into the show.
Stacy has five kids at home. She loves them so incredibly much… when they are not with her. When they are in someone else’s care, she really, really longs for them!
You see, no one really prepared her for motherhood!
Part of her problem is that she is always setting herself up for failure.
For instance, she has these amazing ideas and dreams, such as gathering the children around the table at night. They would be there in their homemade clothing, eating homemade bread with homemade butter, made from the milk that she had milked from the cow out back.
She thought she would seize life’s everyday opportunities to foster growth in her children, like teaching them math while grocery shopping.
The only math lessons her kids have learned at the supermarket is:
“I am counting to three!!”
Nevermind “family time”.
She thought they would have wonderful moments of gathering together, praying and reading through the Bible together, growing closer to one another and God.
Instead, “family time” starts with her youngest:
“You said yesterday that we were going to have family time and we didn’t. That makes you a liar and God doesn’t like it when you lie!”
“We are having family time.”
“Right now. We are having family time right now! Okay, everybody… get down here right now, it’s family time!! We’re learning about self-control… get off your brother’s head… GET OFF HIS HEAD!!”
“Does God have bones?”
“Hang on a minute. Mommy’s going to make a quick phone call to Focus on the Family… Okay, sweetie… God is like a chicken nugget. We don’t really know what He’s made out of, but we love Him anyway.”
“No, we don’t dip God in ketchup!!”
Finally, Erica Rhodes calls into the show to discuss the differences between writing for radio and writing for her stand up comedy act.
For Erica, writing stand up comes second nature. Radio scripts, on the other hand, are a little more out of her comfort zone.
The character that she portrays in her stand up routine is a blend of a little bit of Erica herself, a little bit of a darker side of Erica, and a whole lot of people’s expectations of Erica.
For instance, most people think that the is this sweet, bubbly, simple little girl. Their first impressions don’t shed light on her darker, edgier side. This combination allows her to surprise people with her insights and depth to the things she has to say.
One example is her participation and devotion to the annual walk for Multiple Sclerosis.
First of all, you need to know that Erica’s dad has M.S.
So, she often shares how she heard that they have an M.S. walk, which seems very disrespectful to her. Her dad may not like that joke, but she just tells him, “Sorry, Dad, but when I have an idea, I run with it. So, Dad, despite what you may think, you’ll just need to roll with it (as her dad sits in his wheelchair).”
All this to say that Erica has found it essential to maintain a comedic attitude towards life’s tragedies. It’s how her dad has always coped with his condition, never taking the position of a victim, but always finding something to laugh about in their days.
Speaking of laughter, when it comes to her career, Erica prefers doing stand up comedy even over her acting gigs. Not that she doesn’t thoroughly enjoy acting, but there’s a difference between “making something out of nothing” as a stand up comic and “being a vessel for someone else’s creativity” as an actress.
Yet either way, she considers herself completely blessed just to be able to do what she loves.