A problem with “self-esteem” is that it makes it hard to be humble. How can I be humble in a constant cacophony of messages telling me to feel good about myself. The fact these messages are usually paid for by people selling me something does not make it any easier to ignore the shouts: “You are o.k.” In some ways, I am o.k., but in other ways I am not.
What about the areas where, to quote my old report cards, “John Mark needs improvement?”
Other than the humble brag of “I work too hard” or “I am too much of a perfectionist” or “I love too much” what is it that God is telling me must change now. Surely there is something.
And there is. There surely is. Saying that is not enough, however. No Christian would deny he has a “pride problem,” but we often are not very good at naming a present manifestation. This makes our admission as pointless as the scientific naturalist who knows in theory that some present view of mainstream science is wrong, but is not willing to name even one that looks fishy to him. He is willing to doubt in the abstract, but an ideologue in practice.
We all embrace skepticism and freely use it on others actually while leaving self examination for that someday when it is necessary. Oh, we know it will come: someday, just not now. We are all for the examined life someday under certain circumstances when we are, in fact wrong. But where are we wrong? Where is the hard work of dialectic examination taking place? Where am I challenging my beliefs?
The easiest cheat is to pick some intellectual issue popular in our culture and think hard about it. As a traditional Christian, I have examined Christianity and the tradition often. I am perfectly willing to consider my entire view on marriage might be wrong. Sometimes I even wish it was wrong. This is not the hard examination that got Socrates killed and Jesus crucified. Given my profession, the people with the hemlock and the cross are happy to see me think about my views.
I need to look at myself in areas where I wish with all my heart I am right and dread the thought I might be wrong. I need to examine the ideas that the people I respect and wish to have admire me share with me. Truth to power? How about truth to those who give me the treats craved? Let go of pride, certainty, and immorality in those very places where pride is most apt to dwell: the spots I am “closest” to virtue.
And one problem looking back on these paragraphs is the number of times “I” appears. It is hard to be humble if your focus is on self. The examined life is not about knowing my quirks, sins, virtues, faults, and foibles, but about my place in the Divine plan. I know myself when I lose myself in the Divine, but it is hard when the “I” keeps showing up. I cannot know myself by looking at myself anymore than a man who refused to look into a mirror and stares at his naval can ever see himself.
The focus on self obscures the totality for some selected part.
Jesus reveals Himself and He is so great that all can be known in that vision. In the light of Jesus sublime beauty, nothing is good enough and everything must change. This isn’t exhausting because the very presence of Jesus gives the power to change. Jesus: see Him and either wish to kill him so I can go on nattering about myself or love Him and become like Him. He sets me free from the need for self-esteem, because loving Him means loving Him in me and His image in all of humanity. Where the Image is shattered, love sees the Cross. Where the Image is being made whole, love sees a foretaste of Paradise. In the few saints where the Image is nearly whole, love rejoices without envy and asks for prayer.
Love of Jesus sets me free from the trap of self. I have a specific, clear, vision of what must change without discouragement because Jesus loves me as I change. Love of Jesus sets me free from striving because the love is here and there: where I am and where I am going. Jesus perfects, but sees His finished work as He works in me.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus.
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