If religion and politics were off the table, then we would not be able to speak at our house at Thanksgiving. Actually, we are good at disagreeing in our household, even enjoy disagreement, so we lack the history of uncomfortable conversations some others experience. However, I am told that this is not true in every household, so here is a guide from a person who has led hundreds of discussions to good topics for the dinner table. Be warned: this is not easy. Many an unwitting person thinks “weather is safe” forgetting global warming and has created family turmoil when Uncle Joe decides this is a slight to the seriousness of climate change.
Detroit Football was moved to Thanksgiving by the government to help you.
It doesn’t matter if you are a fan. Sports conversations may be heated, but they are survivable if you stick to the Detroit Lions. No living person is a die hard Lions fans, they all died hard in the 1980’s. You can attack or support the Lions and draw only pity. Again: nobody hates the Lions.
Do not ignore what your government has done for you and forget to discuss the Detroit Lions. If you know nothing about them, try these gambits:
Will the Lions ever get a quarterback?
First place? Is this the Lions’ year?
Ford Field? I have owned a few Fords.
Everyone hates the Star Wars Christmas special.
When stuck for conversation, show a clip of The Star Wars Christmas Special. Those my age will dine with the satisfying salt of nostalgic hatred. The younglings will get to mock the video of their elders, something younglings love to do. Under no circumstance express an opinion about movie episodes 1-3. For more than a few people, this is both religion and politics.
Opening question: What was up with the Star Wars Christmas Special?
Relate some hopelessly stupid thing YOU did unrelated to religion or politics.
The preferred pratfall is related to shopping, since it is something all Americans do. Here is an insight: everyone at your table is there united in their acceptance of the acceptability of laughing at you. For example, if I sit at the table and relate how I recently walked into the glass wall at The Saint Constantine School, this will be funny and will induce numerous other stories of foolish things I have done.
This can get you through an entire dinner. Avoid referring to dumb things you did that are passive positive: “I am messed up this year and did not finish my article for that dictionary on time. What a fool!” You have missed the point.
If a series of foolish stories about you is not immediately sparked (a very tough crowd) try this approach:
“Wow. I can’t believe I would kill our pet fish while trying to save it. Can you?”
Discuss pets, but avoid the dog-cat denominational split.
Pets are one of the safest topics, especially if you begin with an amusing shopping anecdote that includes your own folly. (“I was in the pet shop and I thought, ‘Why not get a male and female beta fish to mate them? Little did I know, but beta hate each other!'”)
You can tell a story about a dog or a cat, but under no circumstance show cat or dog bias. It would be better to attack some people’s religion, than their animal choice.
Opening question: Aren’t animals wonderful? What has your “insert pet species here” been up to this year?
Complain about the price of something and ask: “What’s a person to do?”
Nobody likes the price of anything. Gas and most food is cheaper than it has ever been, but do not let that distress you. Unless we get things for free, we do not like the price. Tell a story about getting ripped off (be careful to pick an industry not represented at the table) and then say: “What am I to do?”
Sit back and enjoy. A good example is this: I ordered a bust of President Garfield on Ebay and it turned out to be much smaller than advertised. I later discovered that it was over priced. What’s a person to do?” Since nobody else has ever ordered a bust of Garfield on Ebay, you are safe. In the worst case, this is just another example of “dumb things I have done.” In the best case, it will provoke many spirited discussions of the high price of everything.
My family will end up loudly discussing religion, politics, the Queen of England, and sealing wax, but I hope this list helps those whose relatives are less tolerant.
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