Christmas Message 2012: St. Mary’s Class Warfare against the Rich

In terms of the on going discussion this Christmas about the American “fiscal cliff” and Australia’s own debate of surplus vs. cutting services, well, St. Mary has something to say and it ain’t what many of us want to hear:

⁴⁶ And Mary said:

You see, Mary should have been content with glorifying the Lord in the privacy of her own soul, keeping her religious beliefs in her own holy of holies; but no, instead she decided to get all social gospel on us. Goes to prove, as I’ve suspected for many years folks, that St. Mary is in fact a closet Catholic who has succumbed to the anti-capitalistic tendencies of Popish social teaching. Yes, I’m calling it, the Mother of God is the Matriarch of Socialism.

So it’s time to get St. Mary, and her class warfare against the rich, out of Christmas. We need to replace her with someone else. I’m thinking a cross between Margaret Thatcher and Ann Coulter! Austerity with a dash of insensitive bastardry. That way, when the Shepherds turn up to her stable, she’ll lecture them for abandoning their flocks on company time, immediately hand them pink slips, and then get them replaced with non-union shepherds from Mexico who will watch the flock for less than minimum wage. And when the wise men show up, she’ll accept their gifts, invest the whole lot in big oil, gun manufacturing, and merchant banking; and then get the three wise men indicted for tax fraud and deported back to Arabia, while she claims the whole episode as a tax write off.  She can then devote her time to promoting major conservative teachings like the best way to help the poor is to make the rich richer. So rather than giving your spare tunic to someone who has none, we need to give our spare tunic to the guy who already has two hundred tunics. That way he’ll be nice and warm and will employ fifty people to wash, clean, and iron his many tunics. And you could be one of those people (union affiliates need not apply)! 

So this Christmas, get St. Mary out of the nativity scene, and replace her with someone who is more fiscally responsible, and who won’t take our hard earned money and give it to undeserving plebs who are poor for no other reason than they can’t find a job, they are refugees from a war zone, they are disabled, or they are just the wrong color – things of which are entirely their own fault.

On Christmas morning, rather than mediate on Mary’s commy manifesto that we call the Magnificat, remember instead the words of St. Madoff of Wallstreet, that God helps those who help themselves!