Everyday Black Matters
It’s true. It’s all true.
Realized today that I am afraid that I am doing everything I’m doing because of all the things I’m afraid of.
I am so wonderfully complex, aren’t I? Does that make sense to you? The idea that so many of the things I do –and perhaps you too– are fear driven. Wait, let me back up a bit…
Last week I was at a leadership summit for my job where they brought in professional Enneagram consultants. Oh man, it was good but all together depressing. I just finished going through the personal assessments today, hoping to get a little insight into my issues and there it was again: the cold hard FACTS that 98.7% of the time I am ineffective at a giant list of things including but not limited to everything in my obnoxiously long blog title.
I wish I could tell you the test was all wrong and that those negative traits don’t describe me but…
…they did describe me. Boy, did they ever describe me. (I know this because I left out the ones that I felt didn’t describe me).
And that happened across the board to many of my colleagues. There was lots of sadness, lots of tiredness, lots of overwhelm. It’s one thing for someone to say that you’ve become selfish and narcissistic, its another for a personality test TO PROVE IT!
It may seem mean, but taking the tests are for the sake of growth, so in some ways it’s easier to accept these shadow sides of my personality, but it’s sad to know that I got here. I didn’t mean to or want to, but I am and I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. It’s not okay with me, or my marriage or my faith to allow myself to have these giant gaping holes in my character and leave it unaddressed because it’s painful. So. I will deal with it, but damn, it’s painful.
It takes a lot of courage to introspect. To look my own ugly, head on and try to change, but –oddly enough– I’m up for it. If for no other reason, than I’m up for a good fist fight.
Here’s the book we have that I really like…
p.s. The list of things I do well was even longer than the list of the things I’m really sucking at. So, if your tempted to defend me, it’s really sweet, but unnecessary. (And I pinky swear I’m not fishing for compliments). I know that the Lord has redeemed MANY aspects of my broken life, and I’m actually hopeful God will continue to challenge and grow me to greater health.
I can’t imagine how long that list would be if I had taken the test 10 years ago. I know that I’m growing, yet I have a long way to go.
p.s.s. If you’ve never taken the Enneagram I STRONGLY RECOMMEND taking it! I’m wondering if dealing with these aspects of my broken-ness are what is going to save my life, and send me on a whole different trajectory of hope and healing.
Anyone done it? What are you? I’m a 7, with an 8-wing. My next strongest numbers that influence my behavior is the 3, 5, 8 & 4. Under stress, I become the worst parts of the 1. When I’m thriving I’m drawing from the best parts of a 5. Seriously, it’s fascinating!
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