Sitting with Jesus at Sex Camp

I remember meeting Jesus once at sex camp. It wasn't our first meeting, but an important one.Everyday I walked up to a giant, beautiful, colorful painting of Jesus’s head, hair blowing in the wind. The massive painting hung on the wall of the Church where I was attending a week long retreat for women being treated for female sex addiction...what I like to call 'Sex Camp.'When I first saw the painting I was taken aback. Great art captures one that way. And the size, my God, it was huge. I said “well hello there Jesus.” In that moment he seemed so real with his piercing brown eyes bigger than my head. In the course of the week, every time I passed it I'd say “Hi Jesus!" I’d try to say sweetly but somewhat sarcastically “it’s another great day at sex camp!”  "How are you feeling about sex camp?"  "Me?" "Oh, well I feel deep shame & loathing self-pity, so there's that. I'd rather be on a cruise. No offense."Join me to read the rest over at the Mudroom blog?&n … [Read more...]

Rage

If I had the power of invisibility the power of flight the power of unlimited strengthI would unleash a rage built up over these years settling on tired shoulders.A rage like this world has never seen.Rage at my father Rage for little girls, cut. Rage for my people Rage at the powerful Rage at the law makers Rage at the suits Rage for black women Rage for sex slavery Rage at his betrayal Rage for Kalief Browder Rage for beaten dogs Rage for colonization Rage for my cityRage. Rage here Rage there Rage everywhere and there would be no end.While the heavens cry out the glory of God my reign of terror would barely be satiated by death's sting at murderous hands.But I have no power of invisibility of flight of unlimited strength. No platform. No flight. No fight. No strength. No money. No home.Nothing to brag or boast.There is no power to speak of but this muffled voice which boasts of my rage and asks who'd I'd be if … [Read more...]

If I Had Died in 1999

I must admit I'm borrowing the idea for this post from fellow Patheos blogger, Steve Austin's powerful post...Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I'm woefully familiar with the suicide battle. I've struggled with suicidal ideations & a near attempt in 1999. A close consideration in 2004. A close call in 2014. Basically,  all of my adult life I've struggled on and off with some form of depression: the regular kind, post traumatic stress disorder, P.M.D.D. and two bouts of postpartum depression. As of today, I'm 8 weeks out from having a newborn, wading through some form of Baby Blues praying it doesn't evolve into another heavy round of postpartum, but is likely more a symptom of situational life stress.A lot of my struggles with mental illness issues come directly from childhood trauma that bled into teen trauma, that bled into college trauma, that bled into marriage, life & situational traumas. Some of my own doing...divorce, addiction and such. For those of us … [Read more...]

Found

I'm writing today over at Raising Mothers in honor of the 4th annual Black Breastfeeding Week. Breastfeeding is such an important everyday matter in the lives of my people & one that did not come easily for me & my beautiful babies. If you didn't catch my post on miscarriage & infant loss this is a bit of a follow up...Lost & Found.Found: To NurtureI’ve wanted to breastfeed just as long as I’ve dreamed of being a mama. In a box somewhere there is a photo of little girl me: I’m wearing my denim overalls, flap down, smiling big as I held my favorite doll up to a flat little girl chest. As the last born, I never got to see Ma breastfeed my older siblings; in fact I don’t know that she did. I’m not sure where my desire to breastfeed came from. I certainly didn’t see it modeled responsibly in the media— if it all. I didn’t know any breastfeeding families, let alone any Black families taking part in a larger conversation regarding breastfeeding.My firstborn son … [Read more...]

I Used To Be a Minister

I used to a be a Minister. I served in a ministry position for 12 years. For about 259 reasons I walked away from it, which was healthy & necessary at the time. Intuitively, I knew the storm brewing in my heart and life was bigger than I could handle. Also, I was one half of a crumbling, toxic marriage. As the nightmares of life grew I went on to have a breakdown of sorts including but not limited to PSTD, depression and spectacular moral failures of epic proportions. The marriage disintegrated into a million little ugly pieces, followed by a traumatic divorce & an equally traumatic custody battle where I genuinely feared I would lose my children. During that time, I lost my job, every penny I had, I was *nearly* homeless, slightly suicidal and spent a week in rehab followed by months in Anonymous meetings. I threw away a lot. I ran from a lot. I lost a lot. I hurt a lot. I was hurting. Deeply, deeply hurting.When I’ve casually thrown around the phrase “I put a blo … [Read more...]

Black Lives Matter Conditionally

By the words of the media, the condition of our communities (the number of murders in Chiraq over the July 4th weekend, 82+ for example) & the narratives woven post a police brutality murder is that black lives matter conditionally. The cold hard reality is this: sometimes black lives matter, a lot of times they don't. Black & brown bodies are being lost in a myriad of ways. When we discuss "black-on-black crime," the numbers of folks being gunned down & then mass produced for Fox news consumption, the truth is very few people care about those numbers because they are perceived to be thugs, drug dealers & gang banger deaths. The truth is "white-on-white crime" (if such a thing were to be named) is only infinitesimally higher percentage-wise. (Within 4 percentage points). We are not "killing each other" any faster than whites are killing themselves. Not to mention the fact that most violent crimes are intra-racial. The fact that lone gunmen who have been white men kill … [Read more...]

My Big, Fat, Audacious Career Lessons, Mistakes & Risks

 I got laid off from my company last November, the day after Thanksgiving. The company was seriously shady & in preparation for their imminent bankruptcy they'd stop paying into unemployment for my state, where there were only 3 of hundreds of employees. Needless to say, none of us Michigander's were able to collect unemployment while we searched for new positions. We got our last check a week into December, when we were expecting 3 December pay-outs. Not only that, because it was commissioned-based most of us were/are still owed thousands of dollars. (Yes, we could take them to court but the emotional toll & legal fees are not worth it).This situation really took us off guard financially of course, but for me it gave the me the biggest b*tch slap of all time & for all ages. First off, my husband & I had just found out we were expecting. At that time, with both of our individual emergency funds, we assumed we could make it 3-4 months-ish. And then … [Read more...]

I Switched Husbands

I got off the plane and in the car with 6 other women, perfect strangers. I was in Nebraska, a state I’d never been before nor expected to ever go. I was there as the keynote speaker for the women’s retreat, Jumping Tandem. Given the nature of my previous three years, keynoting was also unexpected. Quite. My heart contained all the feels. Wait, let me clarify: my heart contained all the wrong feels……I am divorced, therefore horrible.…I am dating someone new, very seriously, and I am So Incredibly Happy, therefore horrible.…I am the only woman who’s ever been divorced & moved on quickly, therefore alone…and horrible to boot.The 6 of us chatted for awhile and I calmed a bit. We stopped for lunch and I sat across a genuinely sweet woman. I asked why she and her husband waited so long in between her oldest teen and the youngest kiddos all under 5.  “Oh,” she said with a lighthearted smile, “I switched husbands.”  I squirmed a little, knowing I too, was in the process of swit … [Read more...]

Without Self Pity: Ruthless

Yesterday, I posted on my public FB page about life being impossible and awful and how I had no hope and therefore must die. Or...something like that.A bit ago, the company I was working for folded & all of sudden *poof* I'm unemployed. As it turns out, they were straight up swindlers. They owe a lot of us a good chunk of change & made it impossible for any of us to collect unemployment in the midst of this abrupt change. No notice, just goodbye and right before the holidays.A few weeks ago the stress of this situation started folding in on me like a backpack of stress getting heavier by the day. But last week, I got THEE MOST unexpected news that I could be suffering from a serious non-pregnancy related medical condition and we're still waiting on test results. What in the actual? I've been healthy as a horse. I'm significantly jarred.When life is unpredictable like this, particularly because I'm pregnant & suffering through hella morning sickness straight … [Read more...]

I asked for two letters

A few weeks before Christmas, my 10 yr. old asked what he could give me for Christmas that would be meaningful for me. Truthfully, he asked what he could do for me, substituting as a Christmas gift. His Dad had mentioned a few tasks around the house that Ransom agreed to do in exchange for a gift. Now, he'd come to me asking if I wanted him to clean my bathroom as a meaningful gesture. Very sweet indeed.I told him nothing would mean more to me than a handwritten letter straight from his heart.Really?!  He asked. That's it?Son, you have no idea. A letter from you would launch me to the moon. :::: When the husband came around sniffing for Christmas ideas I told him the exact same thing. Our December was much tighter financially than we'd expected and as much I'd loved a big, expensive romantic gesture I wanted nothing more than a simple letter.Really?! A letter?! Ugh. That's what you want? Another letter?!Yes babe. I really, really, really, really do. :::: Last … [Read more...]


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