Stand

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Confession: I am thirty-four years old and most days I feel like a broken mess.

Imperfection covers over me, but I constantly fight for its opposite. I want perfection. People pleasing infiltrates everything I do, say, and think. I cannot do and be everything to everyone and this makes my heart break.

Unkindness has a way of finding me and it digs deep into my soul. I sometimes feel like I spend the entire day wrestling with the guilt that I am not all I should be.

 Five years ago I read this verse from the Message:

2 Corinthians 6: 11-13 “I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter into this spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feels comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small but you’re living in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively.”

 I spent years dreaming about a house that continually revealed new rooms. I dreamed, but I couldn’t summon the strength to escape small.

Then I read this verse from the Message:

Psalm 18:19 He stood me up in an open field; I stood there saved-surprised to be loved.

           A year ago I stood up.

I did the thing that scared me the most and that I loved the most at the same time. I wrote my heart. Everything lay bare and exposed in a way I did not have the courage to do previously.

           My favorite verse is Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

 I like to be still. For some this is difficult, for me it is not. I take it to an extreme. I love to hide. I perfected the art of it in my twenties. If you are covered up and not moving; no one can hurt you and you cannot makes mistakes.

I have been standing for one year. As I tipped over this New Year, I felt all temptation to retreat. It’s too hard and too scary. Honestly, it just hurts too much. Moving past sad is exhausting.

           I like when God speaks in whispers.

Sometimes, a whisper is not what we need.  Right now, this is what I need:  a butt-kicking, body-rattling, jolt of his strong voice.

You are living small. The smallness you feel comes from within you. I say this with great affection. I love you, but you are falling back on your old fears. You are retreating to what is comfortable and safe.  Stand up! Stand up in this open field I have given you.

And I stand there saved- and surprised to be so loved again.  We are saved. We are loved.

I am so thankful he jolts me awake every time I long to give up.

          God calls us to be more than we can ask or imagine.

That is living. That is hope.

~

Lisa Van Engen is a freelance writer from Holland, Michigan. She blogs daily at http://aboutproximity.com/ where she combines her background in social work and ministry to bring encouragement and help others place themselves in the proximity of renewal. She is a proud member of Global Team of 200, The Exodus Road Blogging Team, and a regular Conversations Blogger. She, her husband Kris, and kids Ellie and Josiah love to go hiking together.