“You are so SELFISH!” This particular invective has so much power, people (especially women) arrange their entire lives around making sure that others won’t ever say it–or even think it–about them. They stay as far away from “selfish” as they can, flipping them to the other pole, being “selfless.” Surely that’s better, right? To walk through the world with no regard for self, to put one’s focus completely on how to be in service, to give up on self? In... Read more
When was the last time that your body was triggered? Yesterday? 10 minutes ago? Are you triggered right now, with the telltale signs: elevated pulse, adrenalized state, tightened muscles, shallow, quick breathing, thoughts that are racing (or simply absent)? OK, some of you are thinking, “well SURE! That’s how I usually feel, especially at work/home with the kids/ looking at the bills/ working out a conflict with my partner/reading the internet…” Yes, I know–our culture seems to believe that being... Read more
I was just in Madison, Wisconsin, at the National Women’s Music Festival, where I taught some workshops on catalyzing conscious relationships. Since we were in a swanky hotel, I decided it would be fun to have a happy hour chat. Nine of us sat around doing a q+a about relationships. When one woman asked this question, the others leaned forward, straining to hear my response. “What happened to the zing?” she wondered. “It was there at the beginning–where did it... Read more
worked with a couple recently that was totally stuck. Sleep-deprived with a newborn, they found themselves irritable with each other, having conversations that quickly escalated into conflict. They had a good idea of what the pattern was (A got mad, B tried to placate, A’s anger increased, B got mad, A got scared of B’s anger so withdrew). Their attempts to change the pattern, however, just weren’t working. “A” was clear that “B” was volatile, and that if she could... Read more
Robin Williams, our beloved cultural jester, gone by his own hand. How could this be? For those of us who have struggled with the mighty darkness of depression, hearing about Williams’ suicide is shocking but not surprising. We know about inner monsters, about how full of toxicity the stream of the inner voice can be. I have no idea what Williams’ journey was like. It sounds tortuously unending, in how the promise of new tomorrows appeared to be interrupted by... Read more
A plane is shot down with hundreds of lives lost, thousands more forever changed. Boys playing on the beach are bombed into unrecognizability. The finger-pointing begins, warships are on alert. Tremendous energy is used up in an age-old human practice: Blame. Blame’s favorite sibling is, of course, being right. As in: I am so sure of the way I see the world–no matter that I’m bound by Reactive Brain, or that I myself are miserable–is absolutely accurate. So now I... Read more
When was the last time that your body was triggered? Yesterday? 10 minutes ago? Are you triggered right now, with the telltale signs: elevated pulse, adrenalized state, tightened muscles, shallow, quick breathing, thoughts that are racing (or simply absent)? OK, some of you are thinking, “well SURE! That’s how I usually feel, especially at work/home with the kids/ looking at the bills/ working out a conflict with my partner/reading the internet…” Yes, I know–our culture seems to believe that being... Read more
“You are so SELFISH!” This particular invective has so much power, people (especially women) arrange their entire lives around making sure that others won’t ever say it–or even think it–about them. They stay as far away from “selfish” as they can, flipping them to the other pole, being “selfless.” Surely that’s better, right? To walk through the world with no regard for self, to put one’s focus completely on how to be in service, to give up on self? In... Read more
You may have heard that we lost a dear friend last week. Leslie True Wilson died after a brief hospitalization. We had a celebration of her life. I decided I’d like to share what I said that day (to the 50 or 60 folks gathered to celebrate and express our love to Leslie), as a message to every one of us about how important we really are in this web of life. For Leslie I wonder if you’ve ever... Read more
We say that back and forth to each other at the BC3*, sometimes as a high-five, sometimes with wonderment on our faces. “You know, when I said how I really felt and what I really wanted, I felt a huge weight lift off of me.” Or, “I went to see my parents, and I decided to focus on appreciating them. It was amazing! We really talked.” Or, “I realized I hadn’t actually taken 100% responsibility. Once I did that, I... Read more
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