His Money, Her Money

His Money, Her Money May 7, 2012

Marriage and money can be a toxic mixture.  As most know of us know, it is one of the leading causes of arguments, fights, and unfortunately divorce.  But does it have to be that hard?  When you take a hard look at how most couples look at money, you start to realize that it comes down to misapplied and incongruent beliefs.

Whose money is it anyway?

Is it his money, or is it her money?  I see this all the time when counseling couples.  If the husband is the sole income earner in the household, the woman approaches it as if it is his money.  Ironically, most husbands don’t view it that way.  In fact, minus the unhealthy relationship where the husband is using money as a control tool, most men attempt to dispel the notion that there is a single ownership of money in a relationship…at least in theory.

However, through their actions, men oftentimes send another unintended message.  First, men have a tendency to take control over the finances and not include their wives in the day-to-day decision-making.  Without both the husband and the wife seeing the day-to-day issues dealing with money, there is no way that the two can be on the same page.

For example, let’s say the wife really wants the family to go on a vacation.  Every time she brings it up, the husband, knowing the financial strain the family is under, reacts with a condescending attitude.  The wife, understandably, takes that response very negatively.  Depending upon the relationship, it can create a number of different attitudes, emotions and future reactions. Of course, probably none of these reactions are going to strengthen the relationship.

Should Couples Have Separate Bank Accounts?

“My Bank Account, Your Bank Account

There is nothing wrong with a couple having two bank accounts.  In fact, it can even be used in a positive way.  Unfortunately, much of the time, it also creates a sense of separation.  There are certain things that are paid out of one account, creating more responsibility on one account versus the other account.  This often creates resentment.  It can also end up reinforcing a division of responsibilities with the bills.   For example, you are responsible for that expense and I am responsible for this expense, creating a situation in which the couple is operating as individuals instead of as a team.

What is the solution?

Keep in mind that you are not just going to undo years of bad habits and thinking overnight.  Start with baby steps.   First, acknowledge that this is happening in your marriage and commit to starting the process to change the way you both look at money.  Second, simply set up a date night on the 15th and the 31st of each month and spend time looking over the expenses and income of the current month as well as anticipating expenses for the upcoming month.  This one step will make all the difference in the world.  Second, both of you should commit to leaving your ego at the door during this process and commit to working together.  Also adopt the old Stephen Covey principle: seek first to understand, then be understood.  Money does not have to be a weapon or be the reason you argue and fight.

Finally, and most importantly, dispel the notion of ownership for good.  Realistically, neither of you own anything.  It is all God’s.  To truly shift your attitudes and beliefs about money, one has to live within this reality.  Operating within the reality of God’s economy changes everything. We are not owners; we are just given the responsibility of stewardship.

So how are you and your spouse handling God’s money?  Only with this mindset as your foundation can relationships be healed and lasting change be created.

Bob Brooks is a 20-year veteran of the financial services business and is president of Prudent Money Financial Services.  Since 2002, Bob has hosted the daily financial talk show, The Prudent Money Show.  His objective is to teach people how to successfully handle money issues through a Christian perspective.

Through his writing, radio show and public speaking, Bob stays true to his Prudent Money mission: No Hype. No Agenda. Just Financial Information from a Christian Perspective.

To learn more, ‘like’ the Prudent Money Show on Facebook or follow Bob on Twitter!

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • I agree about the sense of manufactured separation. I think combining accounts is the way to go – it certainly helped us after a few years of separate accounts.

  • Being followers of Christ has helped my husband and I to remember that our identity is in Him and not our money, status, or stuff. We paid off $30k in student loans and more than 75% of the payments came from Dave’s paycheck. We have one account and set up our monthly budget together. It’s really helped our motivation with paying off loans and fueling our emergency fund!

  • We’ve never had separate accounts. We do each have our own “mad money”, or a sum that we each have for our own use. It has served us well.

  • michelle

    In over 20+ years of marriage, I never believed in separate accounts. A few years ago, we decided to try 1 main account for monthly bills and even some savings, then each have a separate account for our own haircuts, insurances, medicines, etc. It has worked out great. Neither of us are fluff spenders so when our individual accounts get up to a certain amount, we “skim the cream” and put it in savings. Much less stressful since the “bill account” is just for bills and not for unknowns that might pop up.

  • My fiance and I recently got engaged and have started referring to money as “our” money. I really like your reminder that it’s not “mine” or even “ours” but “God’s.” The next step in my fiance and I’s relationship with money will be to start referrring to it as “His.”

  • Why it has to be somebody’s money anyways. It does not matter who is making more (I personally refer my husband to make more though because it seems right to me), the budget is general. So if I make less I can only spend what I have earned: so what is the point of the marriage? You need to share everything, only this can make your marriage successful and happy of course. Thanx for the interesting post that can become very useful for many many modern couples.