The War Within

Ok, perhaps that is a pretty dramatic title for a blog post — but it’s a newspaper headline I just saw, and I like it. It’s somewhat apt for the subject line of this latest ramble. 

Sometimes, I do not know why I have a blog. Actually, I have two blogs. And there are times (like now) when I don’t, for the life of me, know why. Every time I say, “Today is the day! I am going to update my blog with something witty/inspiring/pithy/educational”, I inevitably end up staring at a blank screen, or uploading a video I like from YouTube. Which is fine every once in a while, but sort of defeats the purpose of a blog. 

It would seem as though I have less frequent bouts of inspiration than I would like to. I LOVE the idea of a blog. I love the idea of putting together something that is unique and expresses who I am and what I’m thinking. But I can’t seem to connect the dots these days — I think, and I feel things. I read and talk about things with people. I have ideas. I’m writing a thesis for goodness sake. (But even that is proving difficult to complete — a subject for another time).  I just can’t pull it all together enough to put it down here. And what’s more — it doesn’t seem to matter. 

The last few months, blogging feels like something I *should* do, but that doesn’t really bring me much joy or make me think about things more deeply. It’s evident if you look through my archives — it’s a list of light and breezy 7 quick takes Fridays with a few short posts thrown in now and then. Nothing of real substance…since, I don’t know when. 

Oh, wait. I do know since when. Since Michael. It’s just sort of hit me while I’m sitting here (which is often how the holy Spirit works in me) — I haven’t really written much of anything, let alone of substance, since the miscarriage. I don’t know why. I’ve certainly had thoughts since then, probably even some good ones. 

For some reason, I haven’t been able to get past the surface of what’s going on in my life, which, let’s face it, is not nearly interesting enough to fuel a blog that anyone’s going to want to read (or that I even want to write). 

The everyday stuff is not my forte anyway; I’ve always been the type of person who wants to think about the big ideas, who wants to find the connections in the things that seem unrelated or untouched, but lately it feels like something is missing. While I have been skating on the surface, I can’t help but feel that I’ve missed a gold mine of experiences and opportunities for grace beneath the surface. 

I can’t, or don’t want to, dig deep. Maybe I’m afraid of what I will find there. Maybe I’m afraid of what it could lead to. 

Or maybe, I just don’t have anything interesting to say right now. It doesn’t have to be so dramatic, so intense. But that intensity certainly makes a more fascinating blog. 

All that said, who knows when (or if) I’ll get back to digging deep. Maybe I should just scrap the whole blogosphere entirely. A half-hearted blog is no blog at all — especially when you’re really writing for an audience of one anyway.