When we finally will see…

We had a wonderful time at the marriage and family conference, and I have a post in the works (in my brain) based on the amazing keynote speech from Bishop Kevin Rhodes ( who has recently moved from Harrisburg, PA to South Bend-Fort Wayne).

But until then, I just wanted to post something somewhat unrelated to the conference itself. I was going through the day yesterday, and we attended two very good sessions on subfertility from a Catholic perspective and on NaPro Technology. The couple who led the first session talk was so beautiful and inspirational. I felt inspired by their story so very much.

She played a song at the end of the session, from the new album from Steven Curtis Chapman, called “Our God Is In Control”. Chapman’s young daughter was recently killed when his son accidentally ran her over with the car. Devastating, right? Well, the song is on the album released after the death of his daughter.

It’s a beautiful, beautiful song for anyone that has experienced a sudden loss, a difficult situation, or has ever wondered “why?”. It especially resonated with me because one year ago yesterday was the d&c surgery which ended the miscarriage experience and began the roller coaster of fertility that Atticus and I have been on since. And yet, as I listened to this song, I felt both sorrow and joy.

I felt sorrow that we have not yet conceived another child, and I felt so joyful for the small miracle which was Michael. God has taken His time in healing my heart from that loss, but I can finally say that I am so grateful for the entire experience. Yes, I have gratitude that I miscarried. Now, of course I wish it turned out differently and I had a baby in my arms right now. And I have spent so long (nearly a year to be exact) feeling robbed every time a woman announced she was expecting. I felt that somehow, something I deserved had been taken from me. But no. A child is not, and can never be a right.

I had what God wanted me to have; namely, I was the vessel by which our Lord made manifest the truth that He and He alone is the author of life. He gives and takes away. His power was made perfect in my weakness. And now I can say with joy, “thank you God” for letting me participate in the creation of a human life, no matter that the life was so very short lived. Our baby was a miracle, and now we believe he is petitioning the throne of grace for his parents (and hopefully asking for a brother or sister!).

Truly, our God is in control.

We love you and miss you Michael John.