The Prayer I Did NOT Want to Pray

The Prayer I Did NOT Want to Pray

What if your hardships are the very things God will use to heal your heart? Do we trust God enough to pray for what He might be asking us to pray for? This is about how God used prayer to change my heart. Having a hysterectomy at 27, left me barren and bitter but God would not let me remain that way. How can God change your heart through prayer and will you let Him? 

The Nursery Side Gig

My family and I used to belong to a very, very large church. Imagine a church several stories tall, all filled with families. So many families that the nursery rooms were divided by birthday months! 

Our church at the time had nursery coordinators that worked at each age, and for a time, I worked as a coordinator for the itty bitty babies. A beloved position where you could greet new member families, and their new little people! It was a great outreach ministry as well as a job, and I was thankful for it. 

Until the root of bitterness and jealousy grew so much I could no longer stand it. 

The Endometriosis

Having fifteen cysts all at once as a teen had increased my pain tolerance, but the cramping of endometriosis far surpassed the pain of cysts. 

A brand new mom at the time, my pain was so excruciating that it relegated me to walking hunched over, unable to pick up my sweet toddler. 

We were faced with a soul-crushing decision: let go of the chance at future biological children so I could hold the precious baby girl God had given us. 

At the time, I had a budding relationship with the Lord, but I barely sought Him in prayer over it. The pain was all encompassing. I regret not going to God more concerning this life altering decision.

The doctor tried to laser away the runaway endometriosis tissue, but it was relentless. Two weeks. That is how long it took for it to grow back. 

“We have to take your uterus, but we can leave your ovaries.” 

I’m 27, was all I could think. I am too young for menopause. It had to be done.

My uterus was gone and I was healing. Yet again, the rampant endometriosis returned in two weeks. 

I had no choice. I had to have my ovaries removed. These procedures marked 3 out of a total of 17 surgeries that I have endured, most due to my rare connective tissue disease. 

The Growing Root of Bitterness

The terrible tissue was gone, but the procedures left scar tissue both figurative and literally. My heart struggled seeing all of my friends getting pregnant and having more and more children. I became covered with the scar tissue of jealousy and bitterness. 

I attended countless baby showers for what seemed like every woman in my Bible study class, only to return to my car and cry.

Guilt entered the fighting ring of emotions when I thought of those who were not able to have any children biologically. Here I was with my beautiful daughter that I cherished and loved wholeheartedly, how could I have any right to complain? We were so grateful to God for the gift of a child. 

I loved my expecting friends. I knew that I should have been rejoicing with those who were rejoicing (Romans 12:15), but instead I wept at their joy. 

There was a division in my soul. And I really did not like being like this. I knew it was not what God wanted. 

I Quit

Proverbs 14:30 has wisdom for us about envy:

“A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.”

Sisters, I am sad to admit that I absolutely felt rotten by this desire to be like the other women in my church. I fell prey to this trap, and I do not want this for any of my fellow believing friends.

Finally, I quit my nursery job explaining that I simply could not do it. I had lost the joy and sight of what I was supposed to be doing, and needed to process the grief that came along with a hysterectomy at 27. 

Feeling the Holy Nudge

Time went on, and as I was in the kitchen doing dishes which is a holy time if you will let it be, I had a thought that was not my own. I believe it was the Holy Spirit who prompted me. 

Make a list. 

I immediately said, “No.” (Internally)

Make a list of all the pregnant women you know. 

Haha, cha right! NOPE. Not doing that. It would be too long anyway.

A few hours went by, and I relented. Okay, fine! 

I stared down at the list of 20 women I knew that were expecting at that moment. 20!

Now, what Lord? 

Pray for them by name. Every day. 

At this point I got teary. Please. Please do not make me. I know that God doesn’t really force us to do His will, He gently shepherds us. I believe we have a choice, take repentance for example- the act of turning away from sin and back to the Lord. You have a choice to continue walking down a sinful path further away from God, or to turn back to Him. 

I decided I would obey and follow what God wanted me to do, and so I began to pray for each woman by name daily. 

It was at this time that I looked to women in the Bible that God had listened to, saw, and cared for. Hannah’s story of waiting for her son Samuel for instance. The Bible is full of many women who had their wombs closed, or struggled with infertility, or who were beyond child birthing age.

I knew that God cared for me just like He cared for them. He would not necessarily allow me to biologically have children, and I had to trust God in this. 

“You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)

My Heart Change

Each day, I added a little more to the pregnant-ladies’ prayer. What started as just saying their names grew into a full fledged prayer ministry! I started to pray for each of their babies to be born to be healthy, for their marriages, their doctor appointments, the deliveries, the medical staff, and it was all because of the Lord. 

You see, HE cared for my friends. He cared for them so much He used the prayers of their friend to nourish their pregnancies. (Not that I was the only prayer warrior they had). You cannot out-care God.

But He also cared for my heart as well. 

He did not want His daughter to stay bitter and broken, no. He wanted me to be a part of the work He was doing in their lives. He let me in on welcoming new lives that He was bringing to the world! Championing His babies through prayer CHANGED me. 

Through praying for pregnant mommies and their babies- I grew up. 

Through their births, my new heart was born.

God poured out His grace on me, and I got the courage to ask those mommas for their prayer requests. I started helping out with their showers. I even attempted baking a cake (that I later went to a grocery store’s bakery to purchase!). 

The humbling act of prayer gets us on God’s side for His creation. As we should be! We should be so for the things of the Lord that our own desires blur into His (or the other way around).

Praying for those who have what you so desperately want delivers the grace your heart needs. 

Praying puts you in the compassion seat instead of the judgment throne. 

Those Prayers Taught Me So Much

That hearts are malleable. That people matter more than my wants. That everyone matters to God. God is sovereign. He loves me so much that He could not bear to see lacking in my heart. 

Though I did not have a miraculous womb uterus regrow (ew!), I did take on a heart for those mommas and their precious babies I prayed for. Praying was the key. 

Start Praying NOW 

You have the charge to pray for the people that have the lives you want. You want a marriage like your friend has? Start praying for their marriage. Is there a family that gets to do all the things you wish you could? Better start praying for them! A mom and daughter relationship you see that hurts your heart to be around? Pray for them.

With God’s grace, turn the comparison trap into a prayer, the temptation to want into a reminder to pray. Ask for God’s help in this. Don’t know how to pray? Asking for God’s wisdom is always a smart plan.

Those mommies were some of my very best friends and not my enemies. Being barren and bitter was my enemy. This verse spoken by Jesus says it all: 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven” (Matt. 5:43-45).