Discussions For A Strong And Lasting Marriage

One of the things I learned during 35 years of marriage is what to talk about before marriage! Hindsight is 20/20!! In my previous article, “Insights from 35 Years of Marriage,”I briefly mentioned some important topics to discuss before marriage to help create a strong and lasting marriage. This article will take a dive into these topics and why they are important for a strong and lasting marriage.

Talk Before and During Marriage

Couples need to have important conversations before marriage. Often, they are so caught up in being in love, that they forget that life happens. Having these conversations BEFORE provides a good foundation for a strong and lasting marriage. Continuing these conversations DURING marriage helps to build strength and make the marriage last. The following topics will be covered in this article. Note that it is not an all-inclusive list.

Finances
Work/Career
Family-children
Pets
Religion
Dreams

Remember James 1:19 whenever you are having important discussions, “Know this, my dear brothers: everyone should be quick to hear,slow to speak, slow to wrath” (usccb.org)

Financial Discussions for a Strong and Lasting Marriage

Some couples keep their personal finances separate when getting married and divide up the bills. Some couples pool all of their earnings while others pool some of their earnings. Some couples have a designated finance person in the marriage who handles the bills and creates a budget. Some couples jointly tackle these financial duties. Sadly, some couples never talk about it and just let their finances dictate their life to them. Keep in mind Proverbs 21:5 “The plans of the diligent end in profit, but those of the hasty end in loss.”

There is no doubt that money is the root of all evil, especially in marriages. Secret spending, one person doing all of the compromising and becoming financially strapped or even bankrupt can ruin a marriage. Understanding how each person views and handles money is the starting point for a strong and lasting marriage. Getting on the same page BEFORE marriage is the best way to handle financial stress.

There are many viewpoints on how to best handle finances. Knowing each other well and having discussions around money will aid in making the right choices. Consider these seven tips from Ramsey Solutions (ramseysolutions.com):

Keep a joint bank account.
Discuss lifestyle choices together.
Recognize your difference in personality.
Don’t let salary differences come between you.
Keep purchases out in the open.
Set expectations together.
Don’t let the kids run the show.

There should be continuous, open discussions about finances throughout your marriage as well as before the marriage takes place.

Keeping Harmony Between Work/Career and Marriage

Almost everyone needs to work to financially support themselves and their families. Don’t let your job or your career ruin your marriage. Have this discussion often as each spouse grows, family size changes and world economics change. Things to consider:

Who’s career will be a priority? (This may change over time and more than once)
Who will be the family caretaker?
Who holds responsibility for keeping the family calendar?
How will we ensure together time (spouses only and time with kids)How will vacations be scheduled?
What work/family boundaries will be instituted?

Remain flexible. People are human and make mistakes. There will be disappointments. Remember, do NOT make a promise if there is a chance it cannot be kept. You can find some additional tips in this article on Forbes.com. Always keep the discussion ongoing and be open to change and flexibility.

Family is a priority in a Strong and Lasting Marriage

People have many different opinions on what the role in marriage should be and how the family dynamic should look. The Bible is very clear on the roles in marriage. Ephesians 5:21 reads “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Although someone needs to take the lead, it does not have to be the same person in every situation. Utilizing and leaning into each other’s strengths will deepen your marriage bond.

Read the story of Ruth and Boaz in the Bible. It is known as a true love story. In this article by Focus on the Family, we understand more deeply how it is God’s love that holds us together and moves us forward, especially in marriage;

Children change our lives. These changes can bring happiness, joy, frustration, anger and fatigue. It is even more difficult when spouses are not on the same page. The best advice is to determine how each person feels about having children, how many and how they will be raised. Included in that discussion is each person’s role.Don’t forget about the topic of religious upbringing. It will be harder to discuss after the children arrive. Also, discuss what happens when you cannot biologically have children and if you are blessed with unplanned children.

Another big discussion in the realm of family is in-laws! We all have them. What will the relationships look like? What boundaries will be set? These discussions are especially important after the birth of children. Protect your immediate family while embracing the gifts of the extended family.

Do Pets Affect Your Marriage?

Pets can have a positive or negative impact on your marriage. They are both a financial investment and a time commitment. There needs to be discussions about the kind of pets as well as who does the caretaking. When one person assumes the other person will do the work, problems will arise as well as resentment. Here is a great article on marriage.com about how pets will affect your marriage.

Religion, Faith and Spirituality in a Strong and Lasting Marriage

In this day and age of Religious Pluralism, it is imperative to talk about religion, faith and spirituality. Not only will this affect what the wedding looks like, but it will also impact your day-to-day living, child rearing and personal and couple growth.If one or both people have undeveloped or underdeveloped faith, know that this may change as they grow as a person. Having mixed religions in a marriage can cause stress and challenges in the relationship. Having these discussions about expectations, desires and needs should be ongoing. Here are some topics to get the discussions started:

Where are we in our Faith Journey?
What church will we join and participate in?
How will our children be raised?
What support do you need for spiritual growth?
What differences do we have in our religious beliefs?

Don’t Forget About Your Dreams!

Dreaming has been thought of as something kids do, especially kids without focus. That is just not true! Dreams are needed for a fulfilling and purposeful life. Sadly, once responsibilities take over, we often forget to dream, but dreams are essential to living the life we were created for. When you talk about your dreams be sure to incorporate your wants and your needs. Along with Dreams, you need to have goals to help you get there. Most of us have heard about SMART goals, but not many know what DUMB goals are. DUMB goals are needed for the bigger picture and include dreams. You can read more about this here.

Remember that you must first have personal growth to be able to gain growth as a couple. You also need to consider how children fit into your dreams. Talking about your dreams and the dreams of the couple will help create a fulfilling life of purpose.

Cultivate a Strong and Lasting Marriage

Communication is the foundation of a strong and lasting marriage. I offer some basic tips on communication and relationships in this blog post. Reference these tips when you are discussing the topics outlined above. Remember that ideally, these conversations should occur before and during marriage. Know that it is never too late to begin investing in a strong and lasting marriage by having these discussions. Also, pray this scripture together so that God is with your union:

Colossians 3:12-14, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection.”