October 28, 2024 marked 35 years of marriage for my husband and me. We were married young, especially by today’s standards. I was 21 and he was 23 years old. We had good times. We had bad times. Our greatest success is our three adult children and our three (so far) grandchildren. Marriage takes real work. Today I want to share what I learned over the last 35 years. You may take it as relationship advice or just a sharing of my story. Hopefully, you will find something to relate to or learn from.
The Foundation of Marriage is First Knowing Self
Starting from the beginning, Genesis 2:24 reads, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” (usccb.org) Some people take this to heart and leave their families behind. This can be for many reasons. One reason could be that they do not truly know who they are. This is more common than we think. It took me many years to recognize the fact that I had not developed my own identity. I was who my family and society told me to be. How can two become one if one doesn’t know who they are?
If you are feeling like you have never known yourself or that you have lost yourself, read “Who did God Create you to be?” Many times women will lose their self identity when they start to believe that who they are is what they do for others. Many times women will lack the self confidence to be true to who they are. All of these things will cause problems in a marriage, especially if you grow into your true self and that person is very different from who you were when you got married.
Marriage Should Not be Disposable
Unfortunately, society has people expecting marriage to be a breeze. Everything should go your way, you should be the king or queen in the relationship and you should always have everything you want. If that is not what is happening then you have the right to a divorce. NO! Marriage is a commitment. Expectations need to be managed better. Marriage is a union between two people. Humans are flawed. No one is perfect. Some people change. Some people never change. In a long-term relationship, disappointments need to be handled constructively and compromise needs to be utilized. Remember Romans 12:10, “love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor.” (usccb.org)
Manage Expectations
The saying “opposites attract” has a lot of truth to it. Not only that, but it can be a very good thing when a couple finds their balance. When each person in the marriage knows their strengths and the strengths of their spouse, it is much easier to put up with the small stuff and embrace the beauty of their spouse. Being strong for each other in times of struggle, makes life more bearable. Plus one person doesn’t always have to be the strong one. When you complement each other as a true partnership, you can take turns being in the lead or bearing the heavy load. Know your differences and expect differences and disagreements to occur.
Practice Forgiveness and Patience
Forgiveness and patience are imperative to overcome conflicts and to let go of past issues. It is only human to hang on to the small aggravations or past wrong actions. Forgiveness can be hard, especially when you do not see immediate change or any change at all. Most times, people will not or cannot change their basic wiring. Discovering intent, whee their hert is truly at, can help move forgiveness along. This does require patience and is some cases, a lot of patience.
Lean into John 15:12, “This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.” (usccb.org) to support your journey of forgiveness and patience. Also check out this article from calm.com provides eight ways to practice forgiveness,
Encourage Individual Growth within the Relationship
A marriage should never keep a person from growing. Neither should have to relinquish a part of themselves. Encourage personal hobbies, goals and interests. This can be done while maintaining a strong partnership. Sometimes spouses will take an interest and share in these things and sometimes they will just allow their spouse to be who they were created to be.
Keeping your own identity as well as growing in your marriage provides opportunities to grow as a couple plus provides topics for conversation. Check out this article on Brides.com to learn more about why this is beneficial.
Institute Healthy Boundaries
Remember that boundaries are important in marriage. Do respect each other;s privacy and provide space when needed. Each person is different so their needs are different. Have honest, open discussion about needs and what may make you uncomfortable. For example, my husband gets angry and prefers to leave to cool off so he doesn’t say something he would regret. When he acted that way, I felt abandoned and like he didn’t care. We had discussions to understand how each of us feels and interprets the situation. We were able to come to a compromise that has worked for both of us. As far as privacy, we allow each other to have it. If something makes us uncomfortable, we ask about it. Also offering information eliminates concerns.
Use Conflict Resolution Techniques
Communication is a powerful tool when used correctly. Remember, communication takes at least two people. You can find some great tips here. Communication includes active listening. This means truly listening and understanding what your spouse is saying. You may need to ask questions to clarify things. If discussions become heated, take a brief time-out, but make sure the discussion is finished. Use empathy to help you understand the emotions. You and your partner are permitted to feel emotions. Remember that these emotions are valid for the person feeling them. Do not bring other people into your conflicts. There is no side to be taken. The marriage should prevail.
Continue Intimacy and Affection
As time goes on, we get comfortable with our partner. Oftentimes, we just take them for granted. We expect certain things to be done without even a please or thank you. We quit sharing our thoughts, our days and even physical touch. We miss out on physical and emotional intimacy.
There are some great resources available. In August of 2021, Psychology Today posted an online article called “The Vital Importance of the Human Touch.” Humans need that physical connection. In the busyness of life, it is so easy to forget that kiss and hug to greet or say farewell to your spouse on a daily basis. We must be intentional about it. Although my husband is my best friend, he is not just my friend.
Thriveworks.com offers these five tips for improving intimacy in marriage:
- Emotional intimacy: People experience emotional intimacy when they feel comfortable sharing their feelings—good and bad—with each other. For example, you tell your spouse that you feel insecure about your body after gaining a few pounds.
- Intellectual intimacy: When it comes to intellectual intimacy, people feel safe sharing their ideas and opinions, even when they don’t see eye to eye on the matter. For example, you and your spouse discuss your personal political opinions, even though you follow different parties.
- Sexual intimacy: Sexual intimacy occurs when people engage in sensual or sexual activities. For example, your spouse pulls you in close, lifts your chin, and kisses you passionately.
- Experiential intimacy: People engage in experiential intimacy when they bond during day to day activities or work together to accomplish a mission. For example, you help your spouse to fix the flat tire on your car, handing her the tools she needs.
Create Supportive Friendships Outside Marriage
Evaluate your friendships. Do your closest friends support marriage or do they believe divorce is the answer? If they do not support marriage, they will not support your marriage. Ensure your closest friends hold the same values. That goes for both spouses in the marriage. It is ok to have your own friends, just ensure your friends root for you and your marriage.
Topics to Discuss Before Marriage
One of the things I learned during 35 years of marriage is what to talk about before marriage! Hindsight is 20/20!! In the early relationship stages we often overlook things that will drive us crazy later. Even worse, some things may tear the marriage apart. Some of these things are because one of the spouses does not truly know who they are. Here are some important topics to discuss before marriage to help create a long-term marriage:
- Finances
- Work/Career
- Family-children
- Pets
- Religion
- Dreams
Remember, many people grow, but many don’t change. Do not enter marriage thinking you can change your spouse. It won’t happen. They will still be flawed just as you will be. Embrace their uniqueness and lean into your differences to add opportunities for growth and learning in your marriage.
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