The death of parents can cause family strain. Forgiving family members can be quite a struggle, especially as an adult. There can be deep-seated feelings of being forgotten, unencouraged, and unloved. Plus there are many decisions that siblings can make regarding the care of the parents that cause harsh feelings by not including others or taking actions contrary to those of others, especially when the parents’ wishes are unknown.
Faith can play a large role in healing and forgiveness. You need to know that your faith will provide strength. Isaiah 41:10 reads, “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” (usccb.org) God has also taught us to forgive. Matthew 18:21-22 teaches, “Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.” (usccb.org)
Understanding Family and Their Limitations
Many families do the best they can but may still cause unintended harm. After all, families are made up of human beings. Human beings are flawed. This does not make them bad people. It makes them real people. It is important to remember that upbringing and circumstances shape family dynamics. This goes back generations as well and it evolves in some way for future generations as more families are combined. Even within the family, there can be large variances at how the children are raised as well as how the parental-child relationships develop. You can probably look at your own family and see the differences in parenting that occur between the youngest and oldest children. Most likely, the more kids there are, the bigger the difference in parenting styles that exist between the oldest and youngest. Mix in jobs, business and personalities and there will be potential for a huge difference in parenting among the children.
Recognize that past hurts don’t define your future. Although they may definitely affect the family dynamic, you can choose to make the future different. Let go of grudges for siblings who may have received what is perceived as preferential treatment. It is not the sibling’s fault. Situations and circumstances can change, making things better or worse for the next child. Some kids also need more attention to be able to function at a normal level. Remind yourself that no matter how things appear, you never truly know what the other person is struggling with.
The Impact of Losing Parents on Family Relationships
Although it is common knowledge that most children will outlive their parents, it can be difficult to deal with. Feelings will vary among siblings depending on the kind of relationships that are cultivated. People also deal with loss differently. Some ways may seem unconventional to other people. The passing of parents can shift family dynamics in unexpected ways. Families can lose the bond that draws them together. They can be forced apart by misunderstandings or wrongdoings.
Issues can arise when the wishes of the parent(s) are unknown or when control is taken over by certain siblings or in-laws and other family members are left out. Facing the death of parents, even when expected, can bring about hurt, misunderstandings and new challenges. When conflicts occur, grief and unresolved emotions amidst family conflict can reach even higher levels causing physical as well as mental symptoms. They can tear a family apart.
Faith-Based Healing and Forgiveness
If at all possible, before situations become dire, remember the biblical foundation of forgiveness. Matthew 6:14-15 states, ”If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.” (usccb.org) Colossians 3:12-13 reminds us, ”Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.” (usccb.org).
Remember that amidst the hurt and misunderstandings, there is that familial love. In times of difficulty, turn to scripture and prayer for guidance. The scriptures shared above are a great place to start. Also use meditation and reflection to process emotions. Raw emotions can cause unwanted damage. Allow yourself to feel and process the emotions. There are no right or wrong emotions. It is how you use them that makes a difference.
Steps to Forgive Yourself and Others
Forgiveness can be very difficult. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. Here are some steps to help you with both:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings – Accept that your pain is valid.
- Seek God’s Strength – Rely on faith to navigate emotional wounds.
- Let Go of Expectations – Understand that healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation.
- Practice Compassion – Extend grace to yourself and others.
- Take Practical Steps – Journaling, therapy, praying and/or speaking to a trusted spiritual advisor.
Use what works for you. Try it before you dismiss it. This may be exactly what you need to overcome this difficult time.
Moving Forward in Faith and Love
To move forward, create healthy emotional boundaries while maintaining love. You need to have self-awareness to create and maintain these healthy boundaries. Psychology Today offers a great article called “How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships”.
Choose peace over resentment. Practice letting things go. It is not healthy, physically or emotionally, to hold on to negativity. Remember and cultivate the love and care for one another that does exist.
Remember to live out forgiveness daily as an act of faith. You are called (and expected) to do so. Family wounds can only hurt as long as you allow them to fester. Seek healing. Healing starts with you. I leave you with this final prayer for strength and healing:
Dear Lord,
You know my struggles, my weaknesses and my needs better than I do. Please provide strength and comfort for me and my family during this difficult time. Please guide each of us to live Your will to love You and each other as You have commanded. Protect us from harm. Bring us together to honor each other along with our parents (mother, father). We thank You, Lord, for our earthly life and await to be with You in Eternal Life. Amen.
(written by Michele Gunn)
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