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Being Alone

Being Alone January 13, 2022

Nap time

 

 

      I’ve have never been alone.

There hasn’t been a time, I know, in which I have been alone.

For those of you just tuning in to my ramblings inside my gooey mind, I am a widower. Gosh that makes me sound old and I guess by some yardsticks, I am. If you were thirty-two, you might think, yeah, that sounds old and I think back to my thirties, those I can remember independently from benchmarks, I would agree. But I don’t feel old, except when I stand up from sitting for a long time and my back, neck, arms, legs, knees all start to scream in unison ‘hey Pops, what the heck are you doing?’” I think I like it better if I just say I have been widowed? Naw, not any better. I need work on it. But back to my point-

I think the idea of being alone is scary to many people. As you get older, you have the idea of being alone, really alone with no kids or relatives. No one to find you on your bathroom tile after three days of not hearing from you. But the day-to-day aloneness, that’s the one which can sneak up on you. Evil has a way of pulling that card out and laying it down. Evil won’t destroy me. He doesn’t have to.

     I can blow myself up, thank you.

I am quite capable of doing that myself, thank you very much.

I have the ability to depend on just me. I can do this or that, trudge on and buck up and strap it down. I have done that, for long periods of time. What I have learned over the course of decades are some of the greatest moments in my life. They have been in, what I can only describe as, sweet, tender conversations with my Dad. My Abba.

I am talented enough to keep busy. I am writing this piece for me to share with you at about four in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. Don’t judge. I can do handyman stuff, garden, exercise although not like the young thirtyish me. I can paint, dance, tell crappy jokes, and maintain conversations. I have no real heath concerns like a bad heart or weight although I could stand to lose a little luggage, but my teeth are straight and I don’t smoke. I can’t sing well but I can sing loud. I can cook, I can clean. I can make my bed, every day—first thing. I’ve written eight novels and still have a couple left in me.

Sometimes, a lot of time, I like being alone. I like coming home and not having to answer to or deal with or anything with another human. That sounds bad, doesn’t it? As a Christian, shouldn’t I want to be in and around other Christians? People in general? Sharing the light of God with them?

Nah. Not always.

EVIL SMILES

Well, Mark, you simply are not all God wants you to be,’ the voice in my head says. And Evil smiles.

See? I told you I am quite capable of destroying myself, one brick at a time. Slowly, over time, my self-analysis equates me to something I am in my own mind. I can look around and see others, seeming to do so well, and I wonder what turn I made to get me where I am.

So, it is in these times with God where we have these conversations. He listens-mostly. God loves to hear my voice. He loves my insight and my analysis of what I am seeing. Questions about what I am saying come up in my mind, I am sure, placed there by Him. Since He is capable of doing just that because He is, well, God. None of our life together could have happened without Jesus writing a check for it.

My Lord wanted me and bought me. It cost him everything, just to have me. Huh.

     I am perfectly placed

So, back to being alone. I am. I have actually cheated a little and have two dogs. After my wife died, the two dogs we owned each got sick and I had to put them down four days apart. It was not a good year that year. But two more filled in. Two four year olds. Since my wife, I get to make some play calls she, probably, would not like. Like I got two big dogs.

Big dogs.

But mostly, my life is alone. All those things I listed, I still can do. I don’t go dancing and I haven’t been invited to any weddings since Covid so I haven’t been able to show off my dance moves I use while I drive my car and listen to music. They are some great dance moves, let me just say. But mostly, I find contentment where I am. I have talked to people who have divorced and immediately start looking for another mate. When they ask me, and some actually have, how I do it alone, I tell them I enjoy it. Apparently, God can make my heart content where I am. God has me right where He wants me, perfectly placed in his perfect plan.

It is not magic, it is just God being God and you can feel it as well.

 

Enjoy the ride.

 

www.markjwilliams.com

 

About Mark Williams
Mark has authored several fictional pieces, including screenplays, short stories, magazine stories, training manuals, and novels. The Good and Kind Man is Mark’s eighth novel, coming out this fall through Leaping Armadillo Press. He has been married for over thirty-seven years, and widowed in 2018. He has three grown children, and ten grandchildren. He currently resides in Phoenix, Arizona and attends Open Door Fellowship Church. You can find out more about Mark’s writings at www.markjwilliams.com. You can read more about the author here.

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