Dear Amy:
I have been married to the love of my life now for almost five years. When we were dating, we both expressed a desire to have children. After we got married, we got two dogs that fulfill my needs. I no longer want children. I am content with our life.
My wife still wants children. Should I agree to have children to satisfy her need for motherhood and fulfill an unspoken promise? She got married with the understanding that children would be part of the equation. I know this upsets her, and understandably so.
I feel that if I agree to have children I will be miserable and regretful for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am heartbroken that she is so upset over the matter. How can we resolve this?
— Unsure in Anchorage
That’s the first letter in today’s Ask Amy column in the Tribune. Her response is to be more open to children, rather than afraid they’ll change his life for the worse, to ask the fathers he knows about their experiences, and to seek professional (and/or clergy) counseling.
And — I don’t know how large or small the group is that this letter-writer represents (speaking generally in the category of “my life is great; why should I have kids?” not the specific issue of “my wife wants kids and I don’t”). But this letter often produces a companion: “Dear Amy, my wife is pregnant and I’m furious.”
Which is a bad thing for society, of course, that (seemingly — I’ve done no research today) the people who are best positioned to have children, well-educated, stable financially, are increasingly opting out.
And it’s an especially disturbing mindset, when it becomes not just “I prefer not to have kids” but “I have a right not to have kids,” with its outcomes of men abandoning their children and women having abortions as a form of back-up birth control.
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