Our Greatest Enemy

It happened on a recent run. I was having a difficult day and had a lot on my mind. I found a space in my schedule and made time for a run. The hot sunshine peered over my shoulder as I tried to stretch out my hamstrings. An early drop of sweat dribbled off my brow because of the oppressive humidity. I turned on my music and started running my familiar track.

At the first turn, I looked at my phone to see if my pace was on target. My time was off, way off. It felt like I was running at a strong pace, but the app said I was falling behind. I started running faster, but I was laboring hard. Then it happened. It is that little voice in my mind that says, “you can’t.” “You can’t do this today. Why not go inside? Why are you bothering with this? You are never going to reach your goals!” Within a 1/4 mile, the biggest obstacle I was facing had nothing to do with my sore feet, tired muscles, or overtaxed lungs. It was my mind.

Many people do not have a voice like the one I do. They know nothing of the enemy within that declares they are not good enough. For them, it does not exist. If you are among that group, be thankful. For many of us, that voice can be debilitating.

In the academic world, that voice is often called “Imposter Syndrome.” Many serious, competent scholars actually believe they got their position by luck, that their degrees are not merited but that they skated by in school. The fear is that we will become like Naomi Wolf. Wolf is a feminist scholar who is well-known and respected in her field. She has written a book, Outrages: Sex, Censorship and the Criminalization of Love, about the persecution of homosexuality in Victorian England. The book relied on a phrase, “death recorded,” which appeared in court records. Wolf took to the phrase to mean that the person was executed. In fact, the phrase meant exactly the opposite. The person had been spared execution by a judge. Live on the Radio, Wolf was informed of her error. Obviously, it was a humiliating moment. It is a moment that every person who has Imposter Syndrome lives in fear of. Further, they believe it could happen to them at any moment. It is the voice living within that says, “You are a fraud. You will be caught, eventually.”

For those not in the academic world, we may not be afraid of being seen as an imposter, but as incompetent, or weak, or pathetic. It is why some of us never try to reach for our dreams. We believe, somewhere deep inside, that they are just too big for us. We do not deserve them. So we never try. Some motivational speakers call the unwillingness to try, “failing ahead of time.”

As I got past the first 1/4 mile, I realized that my running app had not been tracking correctly. Once I got out from under the trees, it had me on a much faster pace than I was ready to run. I was burning energy. My lungs were taxed. I tried to slow it down. I got on pace, for a moment. My thoughts, however, kept saying, “you can’t. Just stop.” Eventually, it was too much. I stopped my run after only 1.75 miles, far short of my goal.

The worst thing about the thoughts is how they turn on you. After you give in they shift to, “See you will never accomplish this.” On that point, I refused to budge. I simply thought, “It’s ok. It was a bad day. I’ll be back, and next time I will win.”

I have discovered that this is how much of my life has worked. The biggest enemy has never been an obstacle outside of me or my control. No unfortunate set of circumstances has been a bigger obstacle than the obstacle in my mind.

What I have learned is that sometimes I will fail to overcome the voice. I will not, however, engage in self-abuse. I will not let my thinking turn on me as a human being. I have to recall that I am beloved by an Eternal God and that I am gifted for God’s service. No voice internally is more important than that.