5 Tips To Help Someone Divorced Get Through The Holidays

I am always amazed at the holiday merchandising displays that pop up in late August and early September launching Halloween paraphernalia and the start of the holiday season. It takes me by surprise most years because my mind is always consumed with far more important details and even though the pool has closed, I’m still clinging to the last rays of the summer sun fading in the distance.

But, for many who have been through a divorce, they are way ahead of the retail industry. Back in July, they could see the holidays heading directly toward them like a ballistic missile. They know and dread the fact that these days of celebration mean having to fake a smile and pretend to be okay for family and friends, all the while fighting the loneliness and depression that comes from being constantly reminded of their failed marriages. For many, these holidays will be a succession of “firsts” they will have to tackle. The first Thanksgiving alone, the first Christmas without the kids, the first New Year’s Eve that will start distancing them from the most horrible time in their lives. Not everyone who gets divorced suffers in this manner but for a great majority it is a hellish time. Indeed, the holidays cometh.

I’ve been asked many times how someone who has never been divorced can help get their divorced loved one through the holidays gracefully and I always appreciate that question because their concern means so more than they know. For that reason, I’d like to share with you the top 5 things I recommend to help someone you know who is divorced during the holidays.

1.      Don’t Encourage Dating

One thing I’ve noticed time and time again, both in my personal experience with being divorced and in coaching others, is that suffering makes people uncomfortable. The friends and family members who are watching from the sidelines don’t like seeing their loved one so unhappy and the natural reaction to this is to try and fix it. But encouraging him or her to “get back out there” and find someone who will make them happy is the wrong advice. In my book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, I discuss this at length, but suffice it to say nothing good can come from using dating as a means to medicate the pain of losing a marriage, primarily because of that operative word “using.” Lovers are not meant to be “users,” they are meant to be “givers.” If you want to help fix the situation I recommend following my next point.

2.     Listen Without Advising

I cannot express enough how important this is to someone who is hurting so badly. They need someone to listen to them and often times, the only ones who will are those who charge $225 an hour. No, I’m not dissin’ therapists because I believe they play an important role in the healing process, but as friends and family members, our loved ones should be able to come to us to talk about what’s happened and feel supported and loved. And you don’t have to have any answers! What helps them the most is to hear, “I’m so sorry!” or “I can’t imagine how that feels” and other sincere comments along those lines. But even better is to ask them questions. “How does that make you feel?” “What do you think your next step will be?” “Is there anything I can do for you?” This kind of compassionate support is extremely meaningful to someone who is suffering through divorce.

3.     Check In Frequently

If you think about it, when you lose a spouse to death the surviving spouse is bombarded with flowers, food, and visits from sympathetic friends and family, but this rarely happens when a divorce occurs. The pain and loss of divorce is quite real and depression sets in fast. Why not check in every now and then with a phone call or a visit?

4.     Help With The Children

A friend of mine who had been divorced for several years told me she was constantly pawning her son off to families who were taking father/son trips because she knew he sorely needed that kind of interaction. She felt awkward about it because she knew she was imposing on the family, but she felt the embarrassment was worth the experiences for her son. It would really make a single parent with kids feel great if you offered to include their child in something like that. It’s so important to reinforce positive family experiences for a child of divorce.

5.     Pray For Them

Last, but certainly not least, pray for them. Prayer is powerful and costs you nothing but time… time that is well spent and builds treasure in eternity. It doesn’t matter if you recite the rosary, spend an hour in Eucharistic adoration, say a novena or simply include that person in your morning offering, every little bit helps. I encourage you to see how you can support your loved one in prayer each day.

In the end, you can make a huge difference in the life of someone suffering through a divorce this holiday season by taking any of these steps. If you have further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me at lisa@lisaduffy.com.