Divorced And Civilly Remarried Catholics: Why We Are In Such A Mess

I have been privileged to be a part of the World Meeting Of Families in Philadelphia this week, and I can tell you there is a palpable excitement and joy in the air at the convention center because of the Holy Father’s impending visit. And I will be there on Saturday for the Festival of Families, with my own family and relatives to experience the great sense of community and belonging that comes from being with hundreds of thousands of other Catholics who share my love for the faith. So, it’s only logical that my thoughts and prayers wander out to all those who are missing out on this incredible experience, particularly divorced and civilly remarried (DACR) Catholics who are estranged from the Church.

There are plenty of DACR Catholics who could care less about what is happening right now, but if I were a betting girl, I would place money on the theory that type of response is a defense mechanism. No matter who’s to blame, they are deeply wounded and disgruntled and not caring is their method of self-preservation. There are other DACR Catholics who are interested in what is going on, and probably care a great deal about it, but are resigned to the fact that they can never be reunited with their faith and observe from afar. There are also many DACR Catholics who are actively trying to find a way back to the Church, but have not made it, yet. They pay attention to these events and ache to be part of them. I can’t help but observe the irony of it all… On one side, we have the Church that Christ founded through his total self giving for our salvation and which is the fountain of all merciful love and powerful graces on one side, and an entire community of wounded members who long to be reunited on the other. How on earth did we get into this mess?

I believe it comes down to one simple theory: we Catholics are not being taught in a real life sort of way that when we face life’s problems, our decisions going forward should be grounded in what will get us to heaven rather than what will make us happy in this moment. As children, we learn good and wholesome ideas such as why it’s important to obey the commandments (especially the two greatest) and that we were created to be happy in heaven with God someday. But as adults, when life hurls a curve ball our way we drop those ideals like hot potatoes because happiness in the moment is all we can see. For a divorced Catholic, that curve ball is what I call the “culture of divorce.”

The Culture of Divorce represents all those friends, co-workers, neighbors and unfortunately sometimes relatives who welcome the newly divorced into a world of self-indulgent lifestyles with an enthusiastic slap on the back. They say things like, “He never deserved you! Go out and find someone who will treat you like the queen you really are!” or “You’re free, man! There’s a whole world of women who want what you’ve got!” and so on. They encourage divorcees to follow their hearts instead of what’s right or what’s wrong and believe me, when you’re hurting, it’s easy to take their advice. Getting back to the dating scene falsely becomes the medication for their pain, which leads to becoming entangled in a new relationship that often leads to a second marriage. The second marriage cannot be blessed by the Church because there hasn’t been an annulment process and the opportunity for the Church to declare them free to marry.

These are the traps that are laid for someone who is dealing with excruciating emotional pain, low self-esteem and a heaping pile of problems to solve. A little self-indulgence to make oneself feel better doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, but the danger is these traps are laid in quicksand and can be very difficult if not impossible at times to pull out of.  And so, we have the slippery slope that so many good people end up sliding down, only to end up lost.

But what if these wounded souls, despite the pain they seek relief from, were able to transcend society’s temptations because they were more concerned with getting to heaven? It may sound idealistic to many and I’ve had plenty of people argue that is a standard too high to uphold. But I disagree wholeheartedly.

It’s so easy to settle for less than God’s best for us because we don’t always feel like taking responsibility for our behavior or putting forth some effort to do what we need to do so we can accomplish great things for God and help people. But the cost of settling for less is actually harder than being completely obedient to God’s will. – Joyce Meyer

I couldn’t agree more with Ms. Meyer’s assertion that the result of settling for less causes more heartache than obeying God’s will. And I know trying to impress upon someone who is desperately seeking comfort that pleasure in the moment is not the answer is a difficult task, indeed, but I don’t believe it’s impossible. If we, as their brothers and sisters in Christ, took more time for them, struck up friendships with them, and offered them compassionate advice and guidance, there is a good chance they would rethink their decision to start dating before they were ready. And maybe it would be possible after all to start cleaning up the mess we’ve gotten into.

I encourage you to consider extending a compassionate hand to those may know who are going through a divorce or rebuilding their lives afterward and help them focus on their ultimate goal, which is happiness in eternity with God.