Star Comedian’s Advice Perfect For Divorced Catholics

As I was rebuilding my life during my post divorce years, there were a lot of well-meaning people dispensing unsolicited advice and although I knew they were trying their best to help me feel better, most of their recommendations weren’t the best. They would say things like, “Live it up, now that you’re rid of the bum!” And one family therapist in a Catholic establishment told me to quit crying and “…go find some rich guy who will treat you like the princess you are.” But I think the worst advice I ever received was one time in the confessional: “Forget about what the Church says, what does your heart say? If your heart says it’s okay, it’s okay.” That being said, I recently stumbled across some of the best advice I’ve heard in regard to surviving a devastating loss, and it came from comedian/Late Show host Stephen Colbert of all people. Not that there’s anything wrong with fellow Catholic Stephen Colbert, but it is unusual to hear such valuable advice from someone in the entertainment industry.

Learn to love the thing you most wish had not happened.

Now, that may seem impossible, unthinkable and insane. But I encourage you to give that a chance to sink in before you say, “Never!” Divorce is such a horrendous experience I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. For a Catholic, it comes with the added components of shame, scandal, and controversy. Why in the world would you ever entertain the idea of learning to love being divorced? Colbert, who lost his father and 2 brothers in a plane crash when he was 10, describes the suffering he saw his mother go through and how she was broken but never bitter. “It was a very healthy reciprocal acceptance of suffering,” he said. “Which does not mean being defeated by suffering. Acceptance is not defeat. Acceptance is just awareness.” He goes on to quote J. R. R. Tolkien who once wrote, ” ‘What punishments of God are not gifts?’ “So it would be ungrateful not to take everything with gratitude. It doesn’t mean you want it.” I couldn’t agree with him more. Acceptance and recognizing the gift in the suffering is not something that comes overnight, it is most certainly a process. But just like learning how to forgive the people involved in your divorce (your ex-spouse, a rabid attorney, the “other” person, in-laws, etc.) you have to start somewhere. Often times that begins with just allowing yourself to say, “Okay, I will consider it.” In April of 2000, I was preparing to move from my home in Branford, CT to Atlanta, GA where I would get married again and begin a new chapter in my life. As I was going through boxes of things that had been stored away for years, I picked up some of the journals I had kept in the first few years of my divorce and my jaw dropped to the floor as I read the angry words I had written infused with fear, shame and outrage. Page after page of incensed rage gripped my heart all over again, but what jumped out at me was my immediate recognition of just how far God had brought me since those early days of my divorce. These pages reflected the gift that was found in the suffering of my divorce for I was now a very different person. I was no longer a victim, no longer filled with rage. Even though I detested what had happened, I knew I was a better, stronger, happier person because of my divorce. I was living proof that Tolkien and Colbert knew what they were talking about. If you are struggling with being divorced, I can certainly understand what you are going through and can commiserate. If so, why not contemplate the meaning of that powerful statement in light of your situation… What punishments of God are not gifts? We know God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). Have you seen blessings come about because of your divorce that otherwise would not have been there? Are you becoming stronger and wiser because of it all? What “gifts” have you received in the midst of the turmoil? It may seem strange or even somewhat offensive to associate the word “blessing” with “divorce” and that is entirely understandable. But if you give the idea of looking for the blessings that have come your way because of your divorce a chance, you might be surprised at what you find. The act of gratitude reveals your inner strength, it builds virtue, and you receive many great graces and blessings. So, why not give it a try? There probably are many hidden gifts behind your cross that are waiting to be discovered… Got questions? Send them to lisa@lisaduffy.com.