5 Ways A Divorced Family Can Still Be A Virtuous Family

To dare to be married these days is practically an heroic act. Marriage is under attack from all sides and when the going gets tough, not all families make it. The French poet, Charles Peguy pegged it when he said, “Everything in the modern world… is organized against that fool, that imprudent, daring fool,… against the unruly, audacious man who is daring enough to have a wife and family, against the man who dares to found a family.”

We can see the truth in this statement just by looking around us, at the society we live in. The divorce rate among first marriages alone reveals a great crisis. The home is supposed to be where we learn and grow together in virtue, but the no-fault divorce laws – that ensure if one spouse wants a divorce, it will happen – have stolen that option away from so many families.

Earlier this week, Pope Francis held his weekly address in St. Peter’s Square and reminded us the family is meant to be the “school of virtue, par excellence,” saying that there is truly no greater “school” to teach us such how to live a virtuous life. But are all opportunities for teaching and growing in virtue lost when a divorce occurs?

Definitely not.

Divorce is not what God intended for the family, but in spite of the legal injunctions, there are many families who have experienced that brokenness, yet still offer examples of virtuous living.

If you are wondering how to keep virtue in your home after divorce, here are some suggestions that may help:

1.      Learn To Love Your Angry Child

To say that divorce is hard on children is an understatement. Many people believe they just bounce back from it all because they are “resillient.” But the pain they carry with them is deep and can manifest itself in different ways, such as acting out with anger against the parent they live with. This can be extremely difficult to bear when you are already suffering yourself, but through showing patience and love to angry children, you are building virtue both for yourself and your child. I recommend a wonderful book, How To Love Your Angry Child, by Dr. Ross Campbell to help with this situation.

2.      Give Your Child The Best Image Possible Of Your Ex-Spouse

Although you might be secretly shoving sewing pins into a voodoo doll that resembles your ex-spouse when you’re alone, your children still love him or her and it’s critical to help them maintain a positive image of their other parent. You may have all the righteous anger in the world to unload, but it hurts your child when he hears it. Using charitable language toward your ex-spouse when speaking to your children is critical to helping them sort out and deal with what’s happened. This is a tough one, I know, but if you can manage to do it, it’s an outstanding way to show your children and others what heroic virtue is really all about.

3.     Lay Down Your Arms

Okay, this one is tough, too. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have trouble in this area, too, but it’s worth trying. When communicating with your ex-spouse becomes explosive, things get bad. I encourage you to deliberately choose to not join the fight. Your ex-spouse might be volatile or antagonistic, but you don’t have to be. In my own experience, I decided that, instead of raising my voice and arguing my point, I would say nothing until he had stopped shouting and then would respond with a level, but firm  tone. What I found was not joining the fight normally resulted in defusing his anger, too.

4.     Don’t Bring Dates Home

After divorce, children need to feel safe and stable like never before and that cannot happen if there are strange adults around, especially those who are trying to take the place of their absent parent. So, I don’t recommend jumping into a new relationship. As a matter of fact, I don’t recommend dating at all unless you’ve got a decree of nullity (annulment) in hand. If you want to show your children how to be virtuous, show them the importance of healing, staying close to the sacraments and being obedient (I know, everyone hates that word, but it’s not bad) to the Church’s directives.

5.     Praying when praying is almost impossible

Okay, sure. All of these are difficult, but I’m not trying to torture you, I want to encourage you. Sometimes prayer is the first thing on your list to go away when you go through a divorce, especially trying to do it as a family. But if you try, God will honor that. He will bless you for it. And you will gain some peace of mind because of it.

I would never ask someone to do things I wouldn’t do myself, so take heart in the fact that I have done these things and they do help. Sometimes it takes a while to see the results, but have no fear, you will. And as always, I welcome your questions and comments at lisa@lisaduffy.com.