Divorce And The Scarlet “D”: 3 Tips To Improve Self-Esteem

“What is your marital status?”

“Wait, what?” I was opening a savings account, for Pete’s sake! What in the world did my marital status have to do with that? Why did the bank need to know? I knew I was over-reacting to a standard business practice, but I hated having to admit this terrible and very personal thing that happened to me to total strangers.

To this young banking associate, it was a simple question that required a simple answer. But to me, it was complicated. Technically, the State of California had officially ruled my marriage was indeed null and void, and my ex-spouse had already remarried, but in my heart and according to the Catholic Church, I was still very married. How should I answer that question?

If I identified myself as “divorced”, not only would I feel like a loser, but I would also become a failure in this young woman’s eyes. She would never know how hard I had fought to save my marriage. She would never know the tears and anguish, the pain and suffering. It wasn’t part of her job to know, and it was inappropriate for me to tell her. So I just spit it out. “Divorced.” A few minutes later we shook hands and I left, a new account holder, but feeling defeated.

Can you relate to how I felt?

Getting divorced changes everything in ways you never wanted or could imagine. You are forced to accept a new normal that brings with it the feeling you are branded and everyone knows you’re divorced, almost like wearing a large and conspicuous scarlet “D” on your lapel. Many times, this feeling is self-inflicted. There always seems to be that sense of shame and failure that creeps up and makes conversations awkward and difficult, like mine with the bank associate. But other times, it does come from the people we encounter, those who judge or speak carelessly. And this can make daily life very difficult to get through, especially if you can’t see any light at the end of your tunnel of suffering.

If you can relate to what I’ve written, I would like to offer you some encouragement and consolation because you don’t have to be just a victim of your circumstances. There are things you can do that will help. Here are three things I would like to share with you that made a huge difference in my life as I struggled to regain my own self-worth:

1.      Divorce Is Something That Happened To You, It Doesn’t Define You

Divorce is an event, not a defining factor. It does not invalidate your role as a family member, friend or citizen. It does not erase your good qualities or all the good things you’ve done in your life. It certainly does not negate all the incredible potential you have for living the rest of your life. Despite what’s happened, your divorce is a relatively small part of who you are when you look at the big picture. It certainly is not the way God defines you.

2.     Pray For Growth, Not For Change

There’s nothing wrong with asking God to change things so you can be happy again, but I’ve found through my tough experiences that a better way to approach prayer is to look for the lesson in your situation and pray for the grace to grow as a result of your circumstances. This makes an incredible difference in getting through each day because it is a pro-active approach. It gives you something concrete to do instead of just sitting in the corner waiting for something to happen. Ask God to help you recognize what he wants you to learn from your situation.

3.     Remember God Knows What You Are Going Through

When it seems like no one can relate to what you are going through, God is right there and He certainly understands your pain. Think of him as he hung on the cross amid the taunts and insults, the spitting and the rock throwing. He suffered unjustly and he is closer to you now because you are suffering. He will bless you for your efforts to keep the faith and persevere despite your circumstances. Let it motivate you to keep going, keep trying. Life will get better.

Despite the pain of your situation, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Keep doing your best to move forward, even if it is in small steps. God is with you and he will bless you for being faithful.

I welcome your comments and questions at lisa@lisaduffy.com.