Divorce Recovery Tips: 3 Things To Stop Wasting Time On

When I encounter someone who is making their way through the first several months or so of being separated or divorced, I give them a pass on everything and I take nothing personally. The emotional roller coaster she is on means she will say things she doesn’t mean, she will cry at the drop of a hat, she won’t return phone calls in a timely manner and she will be rather unreliable. The tidal waves of anger, resentment, shock, and sadness crash without warning and encounters may be filled with tears or fits of rage. I’ve got no problem with this at all and I’m happy to be there to help pick up the pieces.

But as time moves forward, it’s important to move with it, as painful as it might be. It’s easy to become so comfortable in your pain that you don’t want to move forward. It means more change, and more acceptance of this new normal you never wanted. But if you want to heal, you must start taking steps forward.

Oftentimes, the things holding us back are things we don’t even recognize as deterrents. They all seem to be a natural part of the process. If you’re feeling stuck and not really sure how to move forward, I’d like to share 4 things that are really traps… traps that can suck you in like stepping in quicksand and keep you from moving forward.

1.      Self Pity

I mention this one first at the risk of sounding harsh, but it’s so easy to throw a pity party when you’re divorced. Self pity doesn’t like to be recognized and often masquerades as other emotions, but there is a difference between feeling the intense sadness that comes with the losing your marriage, and pitying yourself because of your circumstances. Self-pity often takes hold in the form of the blame game; placing all the blame on your ex-spouse, the “other women/man”, your in-laws, God, etc. While you may have just anger, playing the blame game will only transform you into a victim, and victims never move forward, they remain stuck in their misery. A good way to start overcoming this is to reflect on the fact that we are all imperfect. Even though you may have fought to save your marriage, wouldn’t it be fair to say there were times when you could have been a better spouse? Food for thought.

2.     The Wrong Relationships

One of the first things many people do after divorce is get back into dating and jump into a new relationship. If you’re Catholic, this is not a good idea because until you have gone through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity, you are still considered married to your ex-spouse. But it’s not a good idea for anyone because it takes time to heal from a divorce. Dating only puts a lid on the pain, it doesn’t take it away. At some point, that lid will blow off and ruin everything. It’s better to heal first.

But romantic relationships are not the only ones that waste your valuable time. Socializing with the wrong friends will get you nowhere fast. Take a moment and evaluate the people you spend your free time with. Are their friendships conducive to helping you move forward? Do they help you live your faith better or do they pull you away from it? There was a time after my divorce when I actually quit my job to get away from the wrong people. I know not everyone has that luxury, but I share that, if this is a problem area for you, you’ll know how important I believe this step is to take.

3.     Worrying About The Future

This aspect can be the most paralyzing, and if you are struggling with anxiety that comes with worrying about how you’re going to get through this in one piece, I can’t blame you a bit. It can be frightening thinking about how it will all play out… financial worries, stablizing your children, moving to a new place, facing your ex-spouse in court, etc. Your physical and emotional health will take a huge hit if you don’t tame these sources of anxiety as soon as possible. But how?

First, remind yourself these things are only partially in your control and the best thing to do is identify what you can control, work on that, and leave the rest to God. Even if you have to sit down with a piece of paper and literally make a list of what you can and cannot control, that is a good thing. It helps reduce the stress because you know what you have jurisdiction over and what you must detach from.

But, my best suggestion for gaining sanity in a situation like this is to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet. This little gem of a prayer is easy to pray and a great mantra to have when you feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. “Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you.” That sentence alone can bring a great deal of calm and peace.

My final thoughts: You will get through this. You will be happy again. It may be crazy now, but it won’t always be this way. And take comfort in the fact that I am and others are praying for you. Feel free to reach out to me at [email protected].