Solutions For The Marriage Prep Crisis, Part 1

Since the close of the Synod on the Family in October, there has been much discussion on reconstructing Catholic marriage preparation programs. As wonderful as it is for our parish leaders and Church hierarchy to start rolling up their sleeves and getting to work on this critical aspect of helping married couples stay together, we cannot let the entire burden rest solely upon their shoulders. That would be unfair, because honestly, it’s not all their responsibility. Parents bear the brunt of that responsibility and marriage prep really needs to begin at home.

Divorce has become a crisis in the Church, partly because the institution of marriage has become so distorted in society, and it’s no wonder our children are clueless about what they’re doing. But, if real, deliberate and purposeful marriage prep began at home, these attitudes probably would not have much of an affect on our children. As adults, we need to step up to the plate and provide them with age-appropriate ideas of what marriage is and what it is not so when they are out on their own facing the world, they know the truth and have the tools they need to succeed in their relationships.

The world they will face does not like traditional values and will seek to steal them away. To illustrate my point, let me tell you about a wonderful priest, Father Peter, who facilitated the pre cana program in his diocese for many years. After each program concluded, he would have participants fill out an exit survey to collect feedback. He admits how frustrating it was to see these engaged couples so nonchalant about important moral issues. According to Father Peter, most couples stated the only reason they attended the program was at the behest of their parents or parish priest so they could be married in the Catholic Church. Another common response he would receive on the survey would be along the lines of, “The Church’s attitude toward contraception, living together and other moral choices is outdated and doesn’t reflect our lifestyle.”

All that points to the fact that parents are largely responsible for giving their children right ideas about what marriage is and what it is not. There are plenty of ways we can do this for our children and because it’s important to do it at every stage of their lives before they’re married, I’d like to offer some ideas on how to do this in a series of articles, beginning with young children in this article and teenagers and young engaged couples in the next two.

Parents’ Example Is The Best Preparation

The example parents give their children of marriage has a significant effect in their ability to have successful, lasting relationships. They should be able to witness two committed spouses treating each other with love and respect, celebrating the good times and working together in the bad times. But here are more specific ways parents can help their young children understand marriage:

1.    Be Strong In Your Faith

Children don’t just look to their parents for moral leadership, they crave it. They want to see parents who are strong in their faith. They want to know God and they want to know that God is there for them. Take them to mass, take them to confession, and let them see other families celebrate their sacraments. Pray together and don’t be afraid to answer their questions about faith and God.

2.     Be Affectionate

I used to love seeing my mom and dad dance in the kitchen or in the living room. They would hold hands and smile. It let me know that they still loved each other and there was a great sense of security that came with that knowledge. More importantly, they always spoke highly of each other. I never heard a disrespectful word from either of them. Let your children know you love each other through showing appropriate affection. It’s a priceless form of communication.

3.     Fight For Your Marriage

It’s okay to argue in front of your children as long as it’s productive. Kids need  to see that marriage is not always “happily ever-after” nor are husbands and wives perfect. Marriage takes hard work and children who see their parents work through difficult situations and still remain united have far better chances of having a successful marriage in the future.

What If It’s Just Too Late?

What if you are a divorced single parent? You can still promote right ideas about marriage. There are many important things you can do to help your children have strong marriages and not create a legacy of divorce. Here are some simple suggestions:

• If you are single and do not have a decree of nullity, remain faithful to your marriage vows.
• Speak charitably about your ex-spouse in front of your children.
• Don’t let your divorce prevent you from talking to them openly about what God intended marriage to be.
• If you have a decree of nullity and are dating, show them the example of what the true purpose of dating is; discovering if the two of you are suitable for marriage in a chaste manner.