Is It Unhealthy To Pray For Your Ex-Spouse To Come Back?

As a conservative Catholic writer, I often take a beating from readers who think my advice leads people to unhealthy behaviors. I regularly encourage people to accept their crosses with humility, to not date after divorce unless they have been through the annulment process and have a decree of nullity in hand, and definitely to save sex for marriage. Some readers react quite negatively and accuse me of training people to be co-dependent doormats.

For example, I addressed the issue of whether or not wives should obey their husbands in an article last year (my short answer is “yes, they should”), which was greeted with nasty comments by some pretty angry and incredulous women. But, I keep sharing my beliefs because preserving marriages and helping those who are divorced heal are passions of mine, which leads me to bring up an issue that was asked of me on a radio interview I was doing: Is it unhealthy to pray for your ex-spouse to come back to you?

A lot of people would say right off the bat this is an unhealthy behavior; that an abandoned spouse needs to get a grip on reality and move on. It’s better for you and your children to accept what’s happened and build a new life is something I’ve heard a lot. Although there may be sufficient reason in some cases for a spouse not to return, such as in truly abusive marriages that pose a threat to the well-being of the spouses and children, I contend that praying for your spouse in this manner is the right thing to do.

Take for example, my friend Kath. Some years ago, over artichoke dip and a bottle of chardonnay, she announced that her husband, Dave, had walked out on her and her children two nights before. It was a shocking revelation I would never have expected.

But what was more stunning to me than her announcement was Kath’s composure. She was obviously distressed and hurt, but she wasn’t crying or falling apart. She wasn’t airing her dirty laundry or talking about what a horrible person her husband was. She just gave me the news and asked me to pray for him. Her faith in God was her anchor and her strength.

She told me that within an hour of her husband leaving, she, herself, was in an adoration chapel praying for him and in her efforts to console her brokenhearted children, her primary message was “Pray for Daddy and remember, Jesus hung and the cross and said, ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do. We need to do the same for Daddy.'”

Some would label this as an unhealthy behavior or living in a fantasy world. What she should be doing is demanding justice and retribution! To be fair, in some situations such as in a truly abusive marriage that poses a threat to the well-being of the spouses and children, it’s not a good idea for the spouse to return unless there have been significant changes. But these cases aside, praying for your spouse who’s left is simply being faithful to your vows; doing what married couples are supposed to do.

This is unequivocally, enthusiastically counter-cultural. Just look at the magazine headlines in the supermarket checkout, or click on a celebrity gossip ad online if you disagree. Not only is marriage disposable from society’s point of view, but the announcement of the latest divorce prompts the start of a very public debacle over money, scandal, and new sex partners.

But, the true purpose of marriage is to build a happy family and to get each other to heaven. We are supposed to be concerned about the welfare of our spouses’ souls and should do whatever we can to help them attain eternity in heaven. There is nothing wrong with hoping for the restoration of a family and the healing of a marriage. Although that’s not the norm these days, spouses have reconciled before. And in the end, Kath’s husband did return.

About a year after Dave moved out and began dating other women, he moved back home. There was much hurt to be overcome for all of them, but in the end, they repaired their relationship and began a new chapter of their marriage.

Abracadabra!

When I suggest spouses pray for the one who left, am I subtly suggesting that prayers will magically make him/her return? No. That doesn’t happen for everyone and it didn’t happen for me. I prayed for my own spouse to come back after he left and made a very deliberate attempt to offer reconciliation, but within a year of our divorce, he was remarried and starting a family. At that point, I knew it was time for me to move on, but I could do so in good conscience because I had given my marriage every possible chance. I still pray for him and his family today.

What I am saying is there is nothing wrong with praying for your ex-spouse to come back, and if you’re in a situation like this, I encourage you to do that. If that’s not what happens, your prayers will still benefit your spouse in some way. But, if he or she does come back, what a gift! Sometimes, divorce is not the end of a marriage, it’s the beginning of a new chapter in the relationship.