“It’s All His Fault!” Amoris Laetitia’s Wisdom For Those Who Play The Blame Game

Total despair.

That’s how I felt one dark, frigid evening as the Connecticut snow swirled outside my apartment window. I was beside myself with despair and didn’t know where to turn. No, suicide was never an option for me, but I felt sorrowful to the point I understood why some people choose that route.

I’d never felt such anguish in my heart before going through my divorce, and honestly, it was all my ex-spouse’s fault. I fought for the marriage, he threw it away. I begged him to stay, but he ignored my plea and left me to pick up the pieces.

I didn’t like being so far away from my family in my home state of California, and if Block Head (my family’s term of endearment for my ex-spouse) hadn’t divorced me, I’d still be there. I was terribly lonely and struggling to make ends meet while Block Head was driving his new wife’s BMW and heading off to champagne tastings. My life was in shambles and he was to blame.

But, it wasn’t only his fault, it was God’s fault, too. God allowed this to happen to me. He could have stopped it! How could God let this happen to me, a faithful, practicing Catholic who always tried to hard to do the right thing? I was gravely hurt by that. On this particular evening, I never felt more alone and all I could see in my future were thousands more evenings, just like it. How would I get through it? What did I have to look forward to?

If only Archbishop Jorge Bergoglio had been Pope Francis back then and had written Amoris Laetitia for me to read, I would have been able to turn this all around a lot sooner. There was one passage in particular that I know would have straightened me out. In his recent papal exhortation, Pope Francis identifies a key to healing from divorce and many of life’s other problems in this statement:

A sincere self-examination will make it possible to see how one’s own shortcomings and immaturity affect the relationship. Even if it seems clear that the other person is at fault, a crisis will never be overcome simply by expecting him or her to change. We also have to ask what in our own life needs to grow or heal if the conflict is to be resolved. Amoris Laetitia #240

But he wasn’t the Pope back then and hadn’t written the document, so I had to learn the hard way that the first and most critical step I had to take if I wanted to heal, would be in taking responsibility for my contributions to the failure of my marriage.

Although the Holy Father is not directly speaking about divorced spouses in this quoted section of the letter, this is precisely what I needed to hear, and what most abandoned spouses should reflect upon… playing the blame game gets you no where. Fast.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. There is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. Personally, I had to accept that even though I married for life and did not want the divorce, I was not a perfect spouse. I was immature at times. I could be selfish and difficult to live with, no question. Many days, I wasn’t the picture-perfect wife I thought I was. I made plenty of mistakes and all of that contributed to the demise of my marriage.

Block Head didn’t force me to leave California, it was my choice. I was broke because I didn’t ask for financial support in the divorce settlement and I was working for a company that didn’t pay well. Those were my choices, not his. It wasn’t all his fault, and if I was going to move forward in any way, I had to accept my share of the blame.

Blame = Victim = Stuck

The hard lesson I had to learn was, as long as I refused to take responsibility for my failures in the marriage, I would blame my ex-spouse. As long as I blamed him for my problems and held tight to my anger toward God, I would remain a victim. As long as I was a victim, I would remain stuck in dispair and never be able to move forward to the happy life God had waiting for me.

Taking that step wasn’t so painful, in fact, it was rather freeing. I grew up a bit.

To my surprise, rolling up my sleeves and digging through the emotional dirt was therapeutic. It helped me pluck those ugly weeds of blame and resentment, leaving fertile soil for God’s mercy and grace to be planted.

I encourage anyone who may be struggling with this same situation in life, to contemplate Pope Francis’ words I have quoted and spend some time reflecting upon the ways you can stop blaming and start accepting. Free yourself from the past so you can move forward to the happier life God has waiting for you.

And if you’re interested in taking some positive steps forward in your healing process, subscribe to LisaDuffy.Com and receive my free video course on healing.