The Annulment Process: Catholic Divorce or Relationship Rehab?

I never felt called to become a nun, but there was a time in my life where I felt convinced God was trying to tell me to become one. It was about 6 years after my divorce. I had been through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity some years before, but I had no luck finding the right guy and was pretty frustrated. I had also been told by doctors, after an invasive surgery to correct a problem that had caused me to have three miscarriages, that I would never be able to conceive children again. These two things got me to thinking… maybe I was never meant to be married in the first place? Maybe God really did want me to be a nun?

As I said, it wasn’t what I felt called to, but it seemed logical. I agonized over the thought of never being married again, but in the end, I felt compelled to at least check out the possibility of the religious life, so I went on a few discernment retreats and looked at a few different convents. In the end, I knew it was not where I was meant to be.

But shortly thereafter, a man came to work in my office and when we shook hands for the first time, to me it was just meeting the new guy. But he will tell you he knew he was going to marry me almost immediately. This June, we will celebrate 16 years of marriage with our 3 beautiful, biological, miracle children. And I share this story with you because if you’re divorced and hoping to find someone special and get remarried, you need to know that a key part of my preparation for remarriage was going through the annulment process – yes, that painfully grueling, arduous, and very long annulment process. It was an indispensable tool for me to learn how to discern my future, trust God, and prepare for remarriage.

In my personal experience, the period of time I had to wait between completing all the paperwork and receiving my declaration in the mail was almost a year, and it was a fertile period of reflection and personal growth. For example, since I did not know what the outcome would be, I had to prevent myself from going crazy and doubting my future would be happy. I learned to put the entire matter, and my future, in God’s hands and trust him. That’s not an easy thing to do for a control freak like me, but it ultimately gave me a lot of peace and confidence.

It also afforded me the opportunity to prepare for what my future might be either way. Where would I find happiness if I did not receive a decree of nullity? I trusted that God would show me my new direction if that happened, and that with it would come a happiness I couldn’t imagine or expect. What would I do to prevent myself from making the same mistake twice if I did receive a decree of nullity? The annulment questionnaire was another great tool for learning this important lesson. This is a process that forces you to go as deep as possible in the life-discernment process and honestly, I wish more people would understand this critical aspect.

It’s Not Just A Lot Of Hassle

If you ask the average Catholic what they believe an annulment (decree of nullity) really is, you’d receive many and varied answers. “An annulment is a Catholic divorce,” would no doubt be one of the first responses you’d hear and from there you would probably hear every misinformed answer out there. And with the impending release of Amoris laetitia, some fear the present confusion will simply go deeper. But, if the annulment process is approached with a spirit of inquiry and humility – both to understand the past and to find one’s future direction – the return on the investment is life-changing.

When I encourage divorced Catholics to go through the annulment process, I do so for these two specific reasons: so they can experience the understanding, acceptance, and healing they can only get through this process and so they can receive clear and unmistakeable knowledge of which direction their lives will take after it is over. This, in my estimation, is the primary purpose of the annulment process. Any other way tends to result in a bad experience.

The annulment process is not available just so divorcees who subscribe to the notion that marriages are disposable can be issued a “get-out-of-jail free” card and get remarried. It’s not just another legal proceeding that puts the Church “in control” of people, and since Pope Francis has asked dioceses to make the process free to petitioners or charge as little as possible, no one can legitimately claim it is a money-maker for the Church anymore. I would say the annulment process is more like relationship rehab. It’s all about coming clean, making peace with the past, and discovering your new direction in life.

If you are considering going through the annulment process, I encourage you to approach it with this desire to find your new direction in life. If you do, and if you trust God with your future, you will not be disappointed.

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