5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Got Married

The recent Synod on the Family in Rome has brought major attention to the problems Catholic families face today, one of those being the incredible lack of formation of engaged couples and their preparation for married life. While I’ll leave the finger-pointing and blaming to others, I can certainly step forward and say there are certain things I wish someone had told me before I ever got married. Things that would have helped me better understand what marriage is really all about and probably saved me a lot of heartache.

I’ve been married, divorced, and annulled. Through God’s grace, I was able to remarry in the Church 7 years later. We just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary in June. If there’s anything I’ve learned about marriage, it’s different in some ways than what I expected it would be before I ever got married. So, I’d like to share with you 5 things I wish someone had told me before I got married:

1.    “You’re not perfect and neither is she(he). The question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”

This quote from the movie, Good Will Hunting, is a great example of why I think so many dating relationships don’t make it to the altar and why so many marriages end up in divorce. Somehow, we’ve got this notion stuck in our heads that we can’t get married unless we’ve found the perfect man or the perfect woman. We absolutely must have that dream scenario of being swept off our feet and melting like wax each time we see that person. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it shouldn’t be the ultimate gauge we use. Lots of people might be happily married right now if they were willing to see how perfect their imperfect boyfriend or girlfriend was for them.

Marriages are not perfect because we are not perfect. We are sinners. But, can two miserable sinners make a great couple? Absolutely. And that’s where the happiness lies… in accepting each others’ faults and failings and still being in love.

2.    Don’t be afraid of arguments.

For a long time, I dreaded anything that resembled a fight. As soon as the heat started turning up, I was afraid. I’ve made a lot of mistakes because of this. But, it’s not the fight that should be feared, it’s fighting the wrong way. Two people can’t agree on everything all the time and sometimes they are pretty serious disagreements. But the process of debating and finding a common ground is good. What isn’t good is name-calling, sarcasm, or otherwise degrading or rude behavior. You can disagree and still be in love.

3.    Always be ready to apologize and forgive.

Yes, I mean this and no, there’s nothing co-dependent about it if you are both sincere about loving each other. I have learned the hard way that holding out for an apology because I know I’m in the right is not a great way to let your spouse know he is loved. Instead of demanding apologies, offer calm and balanced conversation instead so the two of you can work through whatever the problem is in a sane way.

4.    Sex is important.

Many people don’t realize the Catholic Church’s perspective is that sex is a good thing and married couples should have more of it. If more couples enjoyed the intimacy that comes with good sex more often, the divorce rate in our country would drop dramatically. Couples should not get married just to have sex, but sex is still an important part of marriage.

Society has grossly distorted sex and reduced it to its lowest form. When sex becomes only about how we can please ourselves, we use each other for our own gratification. We become “users.” Sex within marriage was intended to make each partner a “giver.” Spouses who are givers have the happiest marriages.

5.    When you get to the point where you say “I didn’t sign up for this” remember, you did.

Marriage is hard. Not just because people are imperfect, but also because life is hard. It throws fast balls, curve balls, and low balls and they hurt. Oftentimes, a spouse will look at the other and say to himself or herself, “I didn’t sign up for this” and is tempted to throw in the towel. If you ever get to that point, try to remember that you actually did sign up for it:

I, ______, take you, ______, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.

If you are engaged or dating and heading down that road to marriage, I do hope these things might help you get a better picture of what marriage is all about. And as always, I welcome your comments and questions at [email protected].