Dear The Internet

Since you showed me this awesome toy

and made clear to me that my happiness and completion and fulfilment as a person depends on acquiring it, I feel that you owe it to me to supply me with one. The way I see it, this is exercise. Exercise is necessary for health. Therefore this is health care and covered under the HHS mandate. Hop to it and pay for this right away and I won’t sue you. You’re welcome.

“Birt Mirk!” Some of you may say, “I thirght yir wir agirnst waterbirding!”

In the case of puns that terrible, I will make an exception.

Besides, it’s our birthday, Preciousss.