Dear The Internet

Dear The Internet August 5, 2014

Since you showed me this awesome toy

and made clear to me that my happiness and completion and fulfilment as a person depends on acquiring it, I feel that you owe it to me to supply me with one. The way I see it, this is exercise. Exercise is necessary for health. Therefore this is health care and covered under the HHS mandate. Hop to it and pay for this right away and I won’t sue you. You’re welcome.

“Birt Mirk!” Some of you may say, “I thirght yir wir agirnst waterbirding!”

In the case of puns that terrible, I will make an exception.

Besides, it’s our birthday, Preciousss.

"Oh here it comes, blame it all on the gays. Sheer bigotry."

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  • islandbrewer

    What if my deeply held religious beliefs are opposed to putting Mark Shea in neoprene?

  • I believe I asked first so you should expect to receive your waterbird after I’ve received mine. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted so you’ll have plenty of time to prepare.