How Can I Write Like You, Mark?

Many people ask how they can become a rich and powerful writer like myself, tapping into the untold wealth to be found in the glittering and high octane world of Catholic scribbling.

Here are a few tips for becoming a little bit like the glamorous A list celebrity you see before you, known to literally dozens of people the world over.

1. Research. Many people exhaust themselves poring over books and tracking down sources. I solve this problem by writing books full of baseless assertions in full caps. ONLY A FOOL WOULD CHALLENGE THAT, ACCORDING TO A 1982 STUDY BY DR. HOVEL T. MOON OF STANFORD UNIVERSITY.
2. Style. Style is all-important. The key to writing like Mark Shea is twofold: 1. Capitalization; 2. Being an Abrasive Jerk; and 3. Not Being Good at Math.

• Speaking of not being good at math, bullet pointed lists instead of numbered ones cover a multitude of sins.

More tips coming as I think of them.  Time for a dip in my Scrooge McDuck pool full of gold coins earned from the glamorous, fast-paced, high-stakes world of Professional Catholic Writing.