The Gospel of American Jesus

The Gospel of American Jesus April 24, 2019

An Excerpt from Matthew 5-6, American Dream Version (ADV)

The Beatitudes 

Now when American Jesus was invited to speak at Harvard Business School, he went up to the podium. Future American leaders leaned in, and he began to teach them.

He said:

“Blessed are those who scheme to be rich,
    for America is theirs.
Blessed are those who turn away from those who suffer,
    for life is more comfortable that way.
Blessed are the arrogant,
    for they dominate the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for control,
    for they are satisfied.
Blessed are the ruthless,
    for their enemies are crushed.
Blessed are the obsessive,
    for they will see God.
Blessed is the Military Industrial Complex,
    for they send millions to meet their Maker.
10 Blessed are those who stifle dissent,
    for they maintain control of America.

11 “Blessed are you when people praise you, laud you and say wondrous things about you for following my example. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in America, for in the same way they praise the rich and powerful who made America Great.

. . . . .

Crush your Enemies

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, do not merely resist an evildoer. If anyone strikes you on the right cheek (or is even thinking about striking you on the right cheek), strike them down. Strike down their families. Strike down their villages. Strike down their nation, so that even their descendants live in fear. 40 If anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, take everything they hold dear and laugh; 41 and if anyone forces you to go one mile, force them, by any means necessary, to go one hundred miles. 42 Give to none who beg from you, for that enables laziness, and refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you, for that promotes idleness and entitlement.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 And I say to you, despise your enemies and preemptively bomb or drone those who defy you (or defy your ally or have natural resources vital to your sense of security), 45 so that you may be children of your God; for He makes his sun rise on the good, and sends rain on the righteous while bringing darkness to the wicked and drought to the unrighteous.”

Charitable Giving as Brand Amplification

6 “Be sure to do good deeds in full view of everyone; especially if it creates an amazing photo op. Being well esteemed is useful, and one of the ways God blesses you.

“If you want to be a philanthropist, send out a press release. And try to get booked on Oprah. Truly I tell you, this will not only give you tax benefits, but will allow you to push your agenda under the illusion of compassion. When setting up your foundation or charity, make sure you use every opportunity to broadcast your work as a way of amplifying your brand so that your generosity is acknowledged by all. Then your Father, will take pleasure in your success.

Spirituality is Hot Right Now

“And when you pray, don’t be like a nun, for nuns stay hidden away, praying quietly and in secret. Truly I tell you, they’re missing a great opportunity to use spirituality to expand their platform. 6 Use spirituality as part of your brand. When you pray, do it in public after a major tragedy, preferably on live television. The press will eat that shit up. And the public will reward you. And when you talk about religion and spirituality, make sure it stays on-message and is useful for your larger agenda. Don’t let yourself get tripped up in a need for authenticity or honesty; seize the moment. 

“This, then, is how you should pray:

“Awesome God,
you are powerful beyond measure,
10 you have Blessed America, making it Great,
spreading our greatness,
    to the ends of the earth.
11 May we become prosperous from oil, fracking, and big ag.
12 And also through the wealth generated by workers
    (don’t mention the growing disparity between rich and poor).
13 So we can enjoy every delight imaginable,
     which is our unique birthright as Americans.’

. . . . .

Fine Dining

16 “When you dine, dress for success. 17 When choosing a restaurant, make sure it is only a Michelin-Star restaurants, or at least at another place frequented by the rich and powerful, 18 so that it will become obvious to them that you’re cut from the same cloth, and deserve to be there. You will be rewarded.

Treasures on Earth

19 “Store up for yourselves treasures on earth, but make to keep your liquid assets secure and in an off-shore account. And keep your real assets adequately insured and protected. 20 If you’re going to be generous, make sure there is something in it for you. Don’t ever fall into the easy trap of caring too much for a cause. 21 Use your wealth for pleasure and power…

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both yourself and the “needy.” 

Secure Yourselves

25 “If you follow my advise, you won’t need to worry about things, what you eat or drink or wear. 26 Look at Dennis Muilenburg, CEO of Boeing, who makes things like airliners and military jets; he makes at least $18 million a year and is set for life. 27 Can you imagine your own path to success? Plan now to secure your future. 

28 “Want to dress for success? It’s smart to start with places like Saks Fifth Avenue or Neiman Marcus, but the truly successful go with something bespoke from Ermenegildo Zegna. 29 Not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed in one of these. 30 You’ve got to have faith in yourself, and be willing to fight for your success. 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 Poor people worry about crap like this. Follow my advise and just get the best. 33 Seek first your own American Dream, and everything will fall into place. 34 Plan for the future, execute your plan, and the world is yours. 

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