Open and Honest Communication About Sex

We are sexual beings. Without a doubt, sex is one of the greatest blessings of marriage and the greatest physical pleasure in life. God created marriage in Eden—a word which means “pleasure and delights” in the original language.

Despite God’s desire that marriage be a place of sexual pleasure, not every couple experiences the same level or frequency of pleasure. How can you enhance it in your marriage?

One way is to communicate honestly and openly with your spouse about your sexual need. The only way we can truly know how to please our spouses sexually is for them to tell us—before, during, and after sex.

If that’s going to happen, however, both spouses need to commit to a couple of things. First, you must both commit to sharing—it can’t be a single-spouse monologue—and you both must be open to receiving what is shared.

Second, you and your spouse need to create an atmosphere in which you both feel comfortable being honest about your sexual needs and desires without worrying about rejection or condemnation.

Does this mean you have to accept anything your spouse wants, even if it’s sinful or wrong? Not at all. But even if your spouse desires something sinful or something that violates you, you need to be careful how you respond.

Let your spouse know that you are uncomfortable with it—give a firm “no”—but make it clear that you still love them and are committed to them sexually.

Let’s face it: this is something women probably deal with more than men. Some husbands want their wives to fulfill fantasies that can make women feel very uncomfortable, or that gives their wives a sense of being violated. (For instance, if the husband wants to view pornography together.)

It is absolutely OK for a wife to be true to her conscience in this matter and say no to the request. But this must be done compassionately, without damaging the relationship with her husband and without somehow communicating rejection of him.

On the other hand, many men become frustrated with their married sex lives because their wives only communicate with them through negatives. “Stop!” “Don’t do that!” “I don’t like that!” Rather than openly sharing their desires and explaining what pleases them, some wives may be reserving their sexual comments only to express what they don’t like.

The only instruction some men receive about sex is what not to do. Talk about frustrating! It’s also confusing and counterproductive. It explains why many married men don’t know how to meet their wives’ sexual needs.

Almost every man I know wants to please his wife sexually. Women, please understand that your husbands need positive instruction. Give them a roadmap! Tell them what satisfies your desires. They need to know what excites you.

A healthy marriage is a marriage with a healthy sexual atmosphere—and that’s exactly how God intended it. But don’t make the mistake of thinking a great sex life will just happen on its own. You need to help each other along the way.

The best place to start is with open, honest, and helpful communication.