Good sex is always intentional. The devil tells us that if we married the right person sexual attraction will just happen naturally, and we will never have to work at it. That’s a lie. A healthy sexual relationship does not happen by accident.
Thanks to the advances in medical technology and other factors, humans are living longer than ever. That means couples are enjoying sex later and later into their marriages. Research proves that people can still be sexually fulfilled into their seventies and eighties.
But for that to happen, you have to put energy into the relationship. And you have to start by understanding the different dynamics between men and women.
Dr. Gary and Barb Rossburg wrote a book called The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women. They performed in-depth interviews with a thousand Christian couples to determine their most important sexual needs in marriage.
The number-one sexual need of men was mutual satisfaction: 67% of men said, I want my wife to be satisfied. This has to do with a man’s self-esteem. He wants to be a good lover. He feels like a good lover when he knows his wife enjoys sex.
The top sexual need of women was affirmation. She wants to be appreciated before, during and after sex. She wants her husband to think of her as beautiful and to care about her feelings.
The second most important need for men was connection. A husband wants to know that his wife is paying attention and focused on him.
Women also identified connection as their second-highest need. A wife wants sex to be more than just a physical act that takes care of her husbands needs. She wants it to be a total connection of mind, body and spirit.
The third sexual need of a man is responsiveness from his wife. He wants her to show interest in sex. This doesn’t mean she can’t say no from time to time, but he wants her to say yes. Unresponsiveness means rejection.
The third sexual need of women is non-sexual touch which can be tough for men to understand. This means she wants her husband to be affectionate outside of bed. She wants him to be soft and tender. The more affection men show outside of the bedroom, the more sexual women become overall.
A manÕs fourth need is for his wife to initiate intimacy from time to time. When a woman initiates sex with her husband, it means everything to him.
A womans fourth sexual need is spiritual intimacy. According to the Rossburgs research, women said they wanted their husbands to pray with them and be the spiritual leaders of their home. They wanted to connect spiritually.
Finally, a mans number-five need is affirmation. He wants to be appreciated and praised. This ties into his need for respect and honor, and helps him know he’s not being taken for granted.
For a woman, the fifth-most important need is romance. Romance shows a wife that her husband is thinking of her when he doesn’t have to. It shows that she is valued and being pursued. When a woman feels romanced outside of bed, she is more sexual in bed.
What these sexual needs tell us is that men and women are different by Gods design. When it comes to sex, your spouse is not like you. But you can still have great sex when you acknowledge and strive to meet these various needs. When you put in the effort and energy, you can build a sexual connection that lasts a lifetime.