Three Types of Destructive Communication (Part 2)

Last week we discussed three unhealthy forms of communication that can have destructive consequences within a marriage and family: silence, verbal abuse, and manipulation. Here are three more negatives that should be removed from your family’s communication before they cause harm:

Erratic and inconsistent behavior: All of us have good days and bad days, but in dysfunctional families, these mood swings are extreme—and extremely harmful.

One day the world is great. Positive words fill the home. But the next day the parent has transformed from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Anger permeates the air. Harsh words are spoken or shouted. Spouses and children don’t know what to expect. An atmosphere of insecurity and mistrust prevails.

I have counseled many married couples who have experienced a breakdown in communication only to find the root cause is that one spouse has closed up due to hurt feelings and mistrust—simply because another spouse’s moody behavior so easily became mean and hurtful.

This kind of environment impacts children, too. They need consistency, regardless of how we feel. If something bothers us as parents, we need to deal with it in a healthy way and not take it out on others in our family.

And if we are feeling bad physically, we need to be honest about that and get well. Sickness is no excuse for selfishness and meanness.

Dishonesty: Family communication must, above all other things, be honest. We speak the truth and deal with reality. For spouses, this means not denying our problems and not withholding emotionally from one another. This is essential in building harmony and intimacy—and also in resolving conflicts.

In the same way, children need someone to talk with concerning their fears, hurts, and questions. Often, parents are tempted to use dishonesty to dispel kids’ emotions or answer complex questions. It seems like the easy way out.

But dishonesty related to family problems, sex, God, and sensitive issues doesn’t help a child. It leads to a false environment that breeds disappointment, frustration and failure. It builds a house of smoke and mirrors that will eventually collapse.

Secret Keeping: All families have confidential issues that need to stay within the family. But destructive or illegal behavior within a family—for instance, sexual abuse, spousal abuse, or child abuse—should never remain hidden. It requires outside intervention.

Many children who come from dysfunctional, abusive homes were threatened not to tell anyone what was happening. This locks them in a virtual prison due to their obligation to keep family secrets.

A successful family honors confidentiality but won’t cover up destruction. We should love each other in our families enough to maintain confidentiality, while also realizing that love dictates we expose abuse and destruction for the sake of family.

Are there unhealthy forms of communication occurring within your home? Recognize the problems. Be honest about them. Acknowledge your failure and weakness and ask God to give you strength as you learn to communicate in a righteous manner. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, overcome, and changed with the Lord’s help.