I woke up to hollering. The kids are acting especially, well, like kids today. My body feels wrong. It hurts all over going from merely sore to sharp, knife like pain (from a large cyst that hasn’t been responding to treatment). I’m exhausted because I haven’t been sleeping well, the pain keeps me awake. We are changing some of my medications so I am in the midst of withdrawal. I can’t think clearly and it feels hopeless to carry on, but feelings don’t necessarily reflect reality.
The truth is that I am confident in Christ right now. I am as clean and guiltless as I possibly can be through Jesus. I am struggling not to be snippy with my kids, I’m struggling to not resent their constant needs, I’m struggling to stay awake and it annoys me when I am reminded how weak I really am. But I am thankful. I am thankful for the patience my husband has with me. I’m thankful for the prayers of the saints. I am thankful for the encouragement I’m receiving from friends. I’m thankful that my children are so resilient, so ready to forgive me, so ready to help out. I’m thankful for the food in my pantry, for pain killers to take the edge off, for the heating pad that helps relax these tense muscles. I’m thankful the smoke colored sky outside and the sound and smell of rain falling. I am thankful to be aware of my sins and shortcomings. I’m thankful for second chances. I am thankful for the freedom to confess, to forgive and be forgiven. I am thankful that Christ is just a prayer away. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning.
As a Child of God, I know that every challenge is really an invitation. It is an invitation to practice relying on Him to sustain me, which is merciful, because I cannot sustain myself even when I’m at my best. In the same way we give our children school work and chores to learn, to practice, to create good habits because we love them, God gives us heart work — and that is really what is going on in my life right now. He is the Master Gardener, He started in Eden and now He is tending the seeds that He planted in my heart so I can be strong and beautiful and healthy in Him.