I ain’t sayin’ I’m a gold digger…

This was written by Jamerican Muslimah and originally published (with extras) at her blog Talking it Plain.

Recently, I was having a conversation with a group of my friends and were talking about what constitutes a gold digger. Are you a gold digger if you expect a man to have enough money to support your future family? Are you a gold digger if you want a man who is well-established and financially sound? Are you a gold digger if you expect a man to be the leader, the head of the household? What is Islam’s position on the subject?

Typically, when the term comes up, people are speaking about a woman whose sole focus is how much money a man makes. She doesn’t care about his heart, his relationship with God, his family, his intelligence or anything else. She wants to know how much money he has and how much she can get from him. If she’s in it for the long run (as in marriage) she may want to know what kind of career he has and whether that career can financially sustain them. She wouldn’t even look in the direction of a man who doesn’t have a lot of money but is intelligent, spiritually grounded and ambitious. More than likely, she will not help the man strive for better, for more. This is my definition of a gold digger. (Though I don’t really like the term because it’s applied exclusively to women. Whereas a man who does the same thing is called what?) I know women like this. I have been friends with women like this. I could give you a 1001 reasons why they are the way they are, but that is not my focus today.

What I want to know is why a sister who expects her husband to be financially sound is suddenly considered a gold digger by some. I’ve heard Muslim men complain about sisters expecting “too much” from them. When I ask what is considered “too much” you find out it’s the basics; have a stable job, a decent place to live, money to maintain a wife (and a future family), and some ambition, some goals. Maybe an education. A decent mahr (dowry). There are sisters who have expectations a little higher than that. They may want him to own a house, have money saved in the bank, and a job that is at a certain level. Is she wrong? (Especially if she comes from a family that has all of those things or can provide those things for herself). Men are the protectors and maintainers of women. Is it a sin to want a man who can adequately maintain and protect her?

Some brothers barely have a job, barely have a place to stay (or none at all), no car, little money, no ambition and expect a sister to be content with that. They quote ahadith about women accepting little for a mahr and living on next to nothing. They use ahadith to chastise sisters for expecting more from them. But I have a couple questions: Where will you live? How do you expect to pay the bills? How will you support a wife and kids? Do you have a career? Do you have REALISTIC goals and dreams? What are your plans for the future? Do you possess a deep, profound understanding of this deen (faith)? Are you able to translate your deep, profound understanding of the deen into practice? Or are you doing the five daily, reciting a little Qur’an, but otherwise behaving like any other dude out here in the dunya (world)? Does your little practice of Islam make you so exceptional that a sister should overlook your financial situation? (Because you have so much to offer her deen-wise). Most importantly, why would a woman accept a man who can’t even financially maintain her in the way she is accustomed to?

Sorry ahki! My goal is to move UP, not DOWN…forward, not backward. Some brothers can’t face the truth. Some sisters settle for less. They allow brothers to escape their responsibilities. All the while these brothers are convincing sisters they’re sacrificing in the name of Allah, Islam or following the Sunnah when the brother is actually half steppin’, using Islam as an excuse for his irresponsibility. *kiss teeth* Sisters, don’t fall for the “halal game” ’cause that’s actually what some brothers are running.