This is why you’re single, Muslim ladies

Listen Muslim ladies, it’s the slow-jam Imam — and it’s time that we have a heart-to-heart.

[Obligatory soundtrack]

If you’re wondering why you haven’t had any success at masjid mixers, or you’re cursing that seemingly wasted subscription at Naseeb, I’ve got some answers for you. Chances are that you fall into one of these categories of ladies unfit for a Muslim gentleman (thanks to my friends at Muslim Spice for bringing this important matter up):

You’re using social media: It might be time to axe your Twitter and Facebook accounts, because your online presence is probably warding off potential suitors. It has been proven, by many studies, that no Muslim woman can resist logging into a social networking site without making posts about getting lost in Tariq Ramadan’s eyes. Of course, all conversations held by females are useless, and men only use social networking sites for the important business of men. If you’re using it for professional reasons (trick statement: your only valid role is being a homemaker), then that might be OK — but I’m afraid that I would have to recommend doubling up on your prayer to avoid falling prey to the Internet’s slippery slope.

You have a career: Are most of your interests on your Naseeb profile related to your professional pursuits? Then your career just might be getting in the way of becoming hitched to the infantalised gentleman of your dreams. You see ladies, it’s a scary place outside of your husband’s rigid home, and you have to understand that your small brain could not handle it. It is also a scientific fact that women are constantly in a state of lust, and you must battle the temptation to be in any situation where you might be exposed to the unguarded glances of men. You might be thinking that you’re discussing photocopies and reports, but you’re really just on your way to a sordid evening with a haraam stranger. Get baking and drop that diploma — these working men aren’t going to take care of themselves.

You give in to your weak, female qualities: A Muslim woman must never succumb to her natural tendencies to constantly cry, bicker, or argue. I get it — life for you is hard, its path a minefield filled with potential reasons to fall into an emotional state. However, Allah gives you a husband to guide you through life, and by displaying your emotions you’re just stranding yourself without a logical beam of support.

You have this crazy notion that you are equal to men: Do you challenge other people when they’re wrong — regardless of their gender? Do you have opinions? Stop that. Your potential husband might mistake you for a feminist (see below).

You are a non-virgin that doesn’t cover herself: Your chastity is directly tied to your self-worth, ladies — and if you’ve slow-jammed before marriage then it’s probably time to give up on this whole matrimony thing. Now being a non-jabi might not mean that you’ve popped your cherry, but it’s a signal that you’re ready to do it for free. Remember, marriage means that you’re a man’s property — and you’re not doing yourself any favours when you’re not focusing on giving yourself the highest value.

You are a feminist: I give up on you, sister. No man wants to tie himself to a woman that is on the hairy path to hell.

I understand. This is a hard pill to swallow. You’re weak and you probably can’t avoid falling into these categories, so it is my hope that science will soon give us the halal robot wives of our dreams. Until then, if you work hard at avoiding these qualities, you’ll be engaged to the brother of your own dreams in no time. Just remember — your best qualities are being passive and pumping babies out. Even though Islam doesn’t really say that — anywhere, ever.

Slow jammin’ Imam out.